Grief Waves

 

You would think that after 7 years have passed since Kendra died, that the grief would be a thing of the past.  WRONG!!  My heart still hurts just as badly since that Saturday in December when we were told that she did not make it.  That she was not flown to Kansas City, that she had died on the side of the road and being thrown out of the car.  My heart still has a scar that will never fully heal this side of Heaven. My heart still longs to see her and hug her, to hold her and just have her here with us.  I still have days when I cry often and grieve for her so badly.  

Grief is truly a life long journey.  The grief journey has many ups and downs, highs and lows and days of such sadness and days of being at peace.  Along the way, there are days that are such hard reminders of the loss and other days of complete joy in remembering her and laughing at all the memories we cherish.  There can not be a timeline to grieve, because she was our child and her absence is still so noticeable in our family.  

Sunday, May 14th was Mother's Day and it was also Kendra's birthday.  She should have been celebrating her 36th birthday, but she is forever 28.  On those days, it's hard to keep my grief at bay.  On those days, I just want to have a good cry and think about her.  On those days, the grief waves are strong and I don't even try to fight them.  But even in the midst of the sorrow and grief, I still believe that God is good and that He has her safe in His arms.   I also know that God is walking this journey with me and He knows my hurting heart and my deep sorrow.  So yes, there are grief waves still............7 years later, but there is also lots of joy and happiness in between those waves. My heart is with you all on this journey, we are not alone.  

Hope you are dancing in the Sky

"Oh-o, I, I hope you're dancing in the sky

And I hope you're singing in the angel's choir

And I hope the angels know what you they have

I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you've arrived.  Song by Dani and Lizzy

You should be turning 35 but you are forever 28.  It saddens me that I won't get to see you enter into middle age, to see where your life would have taken you.  To see what would be doing in your life and to watch you mother a teenage son and your sassy little mini you daughter.  I hate that the only birthday celebration you get is a post on social media to honor your day.  I don't get to buy you gifts, I don't get to take any more photos of you or with you.  I have realized that I needed more photos, so many more photos and I regret the opportunities that I wasted.  I needed more text messages and voicemails from you, more videos of you with you and your kids and your sisters.  I needed more time.........period.  

And even though I am comforted at the thought of seeing you again someday in Heaven, I miss you more than words can say here on earth.  I miss hearing your laugh, hearing your voice, hearing you sing and hearing you joke with your sisters.  I miss seeing your face, I miss hugging you, I miss seeing you come in our front door.  I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone.  I.......MISS..........YOU!!!

So as we celebrate another birthday without you, I am just sad.  Happy Birthday in Heaven K Girl!!! You are so loved, so missed and we will always honor your memories and your life.  Love, Mom 

I HOPE THAT YOU ARE DANCING IN THE SKY AND SINGING IN THAT BIG HEAVENLY CHOIR, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!! 

 

6 YEARS

 

How can it be 6 years!??  My head knows it, but my heart does not feel it.  I still think about you every single day.  I yearn to see you again.  Grief time is not regular time.  Grief time can feel like I just saw you last week or years and years ago.  My love and longing for you does not diminish in the slightest bit.  I have heard all the sayings, time heals all wounds, it will get better, etc.  Simply not true.  Ask anyone who has lost a child and they will tell that nothing takes away the heartache of your child dying. 

Sometimes there are not words that are adequate to express my deep down sadness and grief and this is one of those days.  I recall every moment of this day, from waking up, seeing and talking to you, telling you goodbye and see you soon to the horrible phone call. I relive every moment, from waiting to hear if you made it to the knock on the door telling us you did not.  Making phone calls to loved ones and trying to tell the impossible news to a constant flow of people coming and going.  It was your son's birthday and trying to keep him out of it for the time being and your sister's birthday the next day.  To waiting for family members to arrive and the hundreds of phone calls asking if it was true.  That day and the memories will never fade from my mind. 

But I do rejoice that during the saddest, most unbelievable day of our lives, you were in Paradise with your Heavenly Father.  You were being greeted by angels, loved ones and hugs from Nana and Papa and Mimi and Papa.  You were having the best day of your life and that brings me so much comfort. 

Missing you every day K Girl but December 12 will always be bittersweet.  It is also a day that reminds me that life is precious, time with our loved ones should never be taken for granted and to live life to the fullest.  

I can't imagine.......

 

 I can't imagine.........something I have heard many times since Kendra died.  I know I too thought this when I heard of someone losing their child.  And it is so true, you can't imagine.  I could not have imagined getting through the following minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and then years.  I could not have imagined the brutal feelings of loss.  I could never have imagined that a broken heart is a physical ache and that it will never fully heal this side of Heaven. I could not have imagined that the grief never leaves, it becomes intertwined into our very souls and it is a little gentler over time, but it is a constant state of awareness that Kendra is no longer with us here on earth.  I could not imagine that not a day would go by that I would not think of her.  

We got to have Gianna with us this summer and seeing her and Ethan together would bring joy to my heart. I was listening to them talking in the pool one day and they were asking each other if they remembered going to the zoo, their dog, Kingston and other memories.  I watched them and thought I can't imagine what they went through, what goes through their minds,  losing their mom at such young ages.  I told them how blessed they are to get to have two mommas.  

I too feel blessed that this life is not the end, we are just passing through and some sweet day, we will all be reunited with our loved ones!  As I try and and picture in my mind, running to Kendra, seeing and hugging my mom and grandparents, being with Jesus...........I can't imagine.  If you have been through the unimaginable, I would love to pray for you. 

Birthdays without you

 

 We just celebrated another birthday without you here.  You should have been turning 34, but you are forever 28. I think birthdays are hard because it reminds me that you are not ever going to be older than 28. You are never going to experience the joys of seeing your kids age and grow and become who you had started them on their way to becoming. I will forever miss seeing you and your sisters together, joking, singing and laughing.  I am never going to experience the joys of watching you age and mature, to see you clean and sober and see how you turned your life around.  I will never again in this earthly life, hug you, call you, see you or have you at another family celebration.  

You would think that after 5 years, it would sink in, become a reality that you are really gone. But it has not. I am still in disbelief that you left us so suddenly, that you are really not coming back, that you are now a permanent resident in your heavenly home.  Grief is the strangest emotion, because it changes, constantly.  One day or moment, you feel accepting, at ease and then another day or moment, you are falling apart, crying and missing your loved one so badly.  I can say this for sure, not a single moment goes by that we are not aware of your absence, that we do not long for the day when we can see you again. You are always in our hearts, on our minds and occupying our thoughts.  You are missed beyond measure. 

So Happy Birthday in Heaven, K Girl.  I do have peace because I know you are in the best possible place, but boy, I sure do miss you.  I miss hearing your laugh, your voice on the phone, seeing your wild, crazy hair, listening to your sometimes inappropriate stories and your loud presence being gone from our lives is so noticeable.  I imagine that you are celebrating big, singing with the angels and having all your favorite snacks!  We Love you Kendra.

I carry you

 

 I carry you in my heart. I carry your memories, your laughter and your smile and your tears. I carry your stories and your hopes and dreams and your precious bucket list that you wrote at age 11.  I carry your secrets, your love for family and friends and your voice. I carry what remains of your 28 years of life on this earth and what would or could have been.  I carry you Kendra for as long as I am here, I carry you with me in my heart and my voice.

My grief has become part of my story now and I will always try to honor and remember you. I will share your troubles, mistakes and sorrows, but I will also share your victories, your ability to overcome hardships and addiction and your love for your family and friends. Most importantly, I will share your love for your Savior and His beautiful redemptive love and grace that He showed you.  

It is my honor and privilege to be able to carry you, to carry on for you, to speak for you and in doing that, you are still here with us.  No, it is not the same as you actually being here, but you will never be forgotten and your story lives on. Just because you are in your Heavenly home, you are still loved beyond measure, missed more than words can convey and your absence is a loud and noticeable presence in our lives.

Kendra, I carry you in my heart.  

5 years.........

 

 My mind knows that it has been 5 years since we last saw you, but my heart still does not believe it. 5 years ago on that Saturday morning, you had shared a page with me from Jesus Calling and the last line, Accept the value of problems in this life and consider them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble free living awaiting you in Heaven.  Now when I look back at that, it was a meaningful message from God, as that reading always brings me so much comfort and puts joy in my heart.

5 years ago on December 12th, we received a phone call that is every parent's worst nightmare; Kendra had been critically injured in a car accident and they were going to life flight her to Kansas City.  As we waited, crying and praying and calling on our Pastor, family and friends to pray also, I had a calm in my heart telling me that she would be OK, that God would give us the miracle that we were praying for. And He did, but it was not our miracle, it was to be Kendra's miracle.  She was life flighted to Heaven and when she opened her eyes, she saw Jesus. 

Grief is a funny thing, it can cause time to pass quickly and to stand still at the same time.  It can sneak up on you at the most unexpected times and bring you instantly to tears.  It causes the memories to flood your mind with both happy and sad times.  And the week of the Heaven date, I find myself reliving the whole week, from the phone call to the service one week later.  I relive each day and even though it still seems like a blur, each moment is forever seared into my brain as I recall that entire week. I used to think that by the 5 year mark, it might feel different, that I might not miss her so desperately, but that is simply not true.  I miss her with every fiber of my being, not a day goes by that I don't think of her in some way and I now know that I will feel this way until I join her in Heaven.  

 5 years in Heaven and we still miss and love you K Girl!  Until we see you again, you are always in our hearts and on our minds. 

 

 

Time

 

 

 

You would think that coming up on almost 5 years without Kendra, we would start to get used to her not being here.  That as the years pass, memories would fade, our thoughts of her would be less, that time would be kind.  I can tell you time does not diminish the ache in our hearts, we still think of her every........single.........day!!  

We still talk of her all the time, we laugh when we remember funny things she said or did.  We share our thoughts of missing her and how we long to see her again.  Time is a funny thing when you are on a grief journey, it loses all meaning of how you used to see it.  It still feels like yesterday that we last saw her and other times it feels like forever.  It still takes my breath away, it still feels unbelievable and it still hurts deeply.   

 I have come to accept that no matter how many years go by or how much time passes, grief has taken up a permanent residence in my heart.  Yes, we have come a long way, yes, we have healed, but we have scars that we will take with us to our graves.  Time is meaningless to a broken heart, because we never fully heal, the cracks are forever there.  Once you have suffered a great loss and start on the grief journey, it is a path that you are on until the end of your days.  It is a lifelong journey, as you learn to live with a piece of your heart missing, always navigating life without your loved one being a part of it.  But we know that at the end of our journey, we will once again be reunited!!  And that is a joy that brings peace and calm to my heart like nothing else.  Still and forever missing you K Girl!! 

The Real New Normal

Anyone who lost a child can tell you that your life will forever have a before and after. Your life goes on, but everything changes, absolutely everything!  I keep hearing about the "New Normal" in the midst of the pandemic and now trying to get our lives back to some kind of normal.  But I can tell you this is just temporary, a temporary new normal and as my mom used to tell us all the time, "This too shall pass" .

A real new normal is when you realize that you will never see your child again in this life as long you live.  A real new normal is missing your daughter every single minute of every single day.  A real new normal is when your heart breaks in places you never even knew existed and finding out that it will never fully heal, this side of Heaven. A real new normal is celebrating holidays and birthdays without your child and as each year passes, your child does not get any older.  A real new normal is only having photos and memories and realizing that you will never have another photo with your child in it. A real new normal is having your child's name in your contacts, following them on Instagram and Facebook, but there will never be another call, text, post and nothing new added ever again. 

So as hard as everything has been and yes, it's been tough, but it soon will pass and our lives will return, maybe not back to normal as it was before, but it will still go and maybe we will be wiser, smarter and more appreciative and grateful for our blessings.  I will tell you this, do not take anything for granted because you just never know when someone could be here today and gone tomorrow.  Take the time, tell others you love them, make the phone calls, send the cards, just be with someone in a time of need.  Live your life with no regrets and I pray that no one has to learn the harsh realities of a real new normal.  Missing you more each passing day, K Girl!! 

New Year, New Decade, without you

You would have loved the new decade, 2020!  You loved quirky things and you would have been excited about a new decade.  I still can't wrap my head around you being gone, gone from here, gone from us.  I know where you are, but that does not stop my heart from missing you so badly.

I try to imagine what your resolution would be for the new year.  You would be 4 years older now than when you went to Heaven and I am sure your life would look a lot different now too. I can not imagine how incredible it is to live with Jesus! To see all that beauty and live where there is no pain, no problems, no illness, just joy and peace.  Unimaginable!

 I miss the future days that got erased, the time we would have had with you wiped away. I miss the photos that I will never get to take, the holidays that we will never get to spend with you again.  I miss hearing your laugh on the phone and in our house.  I miss seeing your name on my phone, I miss your texts, your funny stories and the excitement in your voice telling me things your kids had done.  I      miss      every      single     thing,      every      moment,      I     miss      you.

Unless you have lost a child, I do not think I can adequately explain the longing, the missing, the hurt in the heart, most of all, how much you think about your missing child.  We think about her every day, she is never far away, no matter what we are doing.  And then it's another new year and you realize the passage of time and your child has been gone another year and it still takes your breath away.  It feels like she just left us last week and then other times, it feels like forever.  But in the early stages of grief, you can say she has just been gone one month, then 3 months, then half a year and then before you know it, she has been away from us for a year.  Then it's two years, impossible to believe three years and now four years and just does not seem possible, at all, not for a second.  Time takes a whole different level of importance when you are talking in terms of losing your child and how long it has been.  Hard to even explain.  Happy New Year and Happy 2020 in Heaven K girl.  You are missed and loved beyond measure. 

December.............

Since losing Kendra, I anticipate December with both an abundance of joy and an abundance of  sadness.  I love Christmas and everything that goes along with it, the tree, decorations, Christmas songs, the excitement and church services.  We also celebrate 3 special birthdays in December.......our first born daughter, Danielle, our miracle granddaughter, Gianna and Ethan, whose birthday is the same day his Momma went to Heaven.  I have come to accept that joy, grief, happiness and sadness all coexist and it is now just a part of my life.

Ask any parent and the hardest day of the year is the day your child died and that day takes on significance every year after.  It is the dreaded anniversary date or whatever you call it.  As the day draws near, I find myself thinking about it all the time and I find myself more emotional.  It is not that I think about Kendra anymore than normal, because she is always on my mind, but I just find myself reminiscing more and remembering more.  Songs bring on the tears easier and sad books will leave me bawling, it doesn't take much to start the tears flowing.

I was naive before losing Kendra, because I had always thought that grief, longing, missing, etc. would get easier as time passed, but that is simply not true.  It is only with God's grace that I am able to find peace, to still seek joy, to able to accept that Kendra is in a place so far beyond my imagination and I love picturing her being held in Jesus's arms.

So, here I am in December, again, and this year I am going to celebrate Kendra and look for the joy because as long as I live, she lives too, in all of our hearts.

Missing Kendra

My life has been pretty crazy these last few months!  My husband and I took a much planned and anticipated trip to Italy for our 40th anniversary and then upon returning home, we moved across country 10 days later. After all the work and headache of unpacking and finding places to put things, I swear I will never move again!!!

We moved from a place we called home for 40 years and it was bittersweet leaving.  But, we did move to be closer to our two daughters and two of our three grandchildren.  I was very relieved that we had Kendra cremated and we could bring her along with us, as if she had a grave site there, that would have made leaving even harder.

 

While preparing to leave though, I did have lots of moments of sadness when I thought about all the memories we had there. All three of our girls were born in the same hospital there and went to school, church, mission trips, choir, singing, baptism, graduating high school, leaving to go to college and three weddings.  It felt a little like leaving home and being homesick.  But, we are very excited for our new chapter and we love our new home and city and can not wait to make new memories here.

The thing that will never change is missing Kendra. I miss her every moment of every day.  I miss hearing her big laugh when she told an off color joke or teasing her sisters.  I miss hearing her voice on the phone, seeing her name pop up on a text or call.  I miss seeing her, hugging her or watching the excitement on her face, talking about her kids.  I hate that all I have now are the memories, no new ones, no new photos, no coming over for family get togethers or holidays and no new texts, calls or voicemails. I treasure all the memories and photos and stories about Kendra, but, what I wouldn't give for one more hug, one more story, one more memory.

We built a library in our new home in honor of Kendra and since I had all her books, I have put them all in there. And that is where Kendra is, nestled in among her favorite books, her Harry Potters, Little House on the Prairies and a huge assortment of eclectic other favorites, she's right in the middle, right where she should be.  Missing you big K Girl. 

What is Left Behind........

Our youngest daughter, Stephani, came home a few weeks ago to clean out her room and as we were going through all of her stuff, we came across some more of Kendra's things that we had forgot about. We found some of her purses, earrings, rings and makeup.  We laughed about her crazy purses, as she had several Ed Hardy purses, which I kept a couple and we talked and cried a little about her crazy style.  Think Ed Hardy marrying Betsy Johnson and having J Crew as their child!! Most of her earrings were large and dangly and her rings were big!  I did keep a few of those as well.  I really didn't want to part with any of it, but Steph said just think, now some more people can continue to enjoy her things.  She was right, of course, it will have to be someone else with her crazy style!

But, it did make me stop and think about what we leave behind when we die.  Of course, we all will leave stuff behind and some things will have value, some only sentimental value or meaning.  As we were going through all her things, we laughed about Kendra, shared some funny memories, cried a little, but mostly it made us realize what a big hole she left in our lives.  We miss her laugh, her stories, saying whatever came to her mind, her style, her voice, we just miss her.  Her absence in now a huge presence in our lives, as we are always aware that she is not here with us. 

What I most realized is that when we leave our earthly home to go to our Heavenly home, the only things that we leave that will be important, is the memories.  The important things to leave behind is how we lived, how we loved, how we treated each other and the love that we leave in our loved one's hearts.  Our treasures are not going to be worth anything to anyone else without the memories that go along with them.  So we need to think to ourselves, what are we going to leave behind?  Are we just leaving money, cars, antiques, etc, or are going to leave treasures that are priceless?  Because the priceless treasures are going to be how we touched other people's lives and the love and memories that we leave in their hearts and minds.  Kendra, you are missed more than any words I write can ever express.  Thank you for leaving us with a lifetime of love, happiness, fun and unforgettable memories that we will keep until we see you again. 

Forever 28

Today, you should be turning 32. Today, you should be celebrating, going out to dinner and opening gifts.  Today, you and I should have went on a birthday shopping spree and hit up all your favorite stores. Today, we should have went out to lunch and had sushi and lots of laughs.  Today, I am missing you and wishing you were still here.  I wish I could see you calling or texting my phone.  I wish I was meeting you at the mall.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  But you are now and forever, 28.

This is such a hard time of year now, going through Mother's Day and thinking of you all day and then just a couple days later, your birthday, or sometimes your birthday lands on Mother's Day. Even after three and a half years, I still ache for you, tears still come easily when I think of you and my heart still hurts like you just left. 

I go through photo albums and look back on the time when you were here, when you were with us.  We have so many memories of you and I love reminiscing about all of them.  Your sisters and I laugh at all the funny times we had with you and the funny things you did and said.  You always spoke your mind and you didn't care if you were inappropriate at times!  But you loved to laugh and you loved to make others laugh.  I miss that the very most.  Some color left our world the day you went to Heaven.

If birthday wishes could come true, I would wish to spend today with you.  I am so glad we had that tradition and I so wish I could just give you a hug, just to see you for a moment.  But I know that you are having the biggest celebration in Heaven, singing with the angels, eating cake (no worries about calories or carbs) and hanging out with Nana, Papa and new brothers and sisters in Christ.  So Happy Birthday in Heaven our K Girl and we will all be celebrating again some sweet day!!  Today, you should be turning 32, but you are now forever young for all eternity.  Love you Kendra.

Another Mother's Day Without You

Mother's Day is fast approaching and since losing my mom 24 years ago, I have always had a bit of dread and sadness in my heart regarding the day.  But having three daughters who always celebrated me being a mother myself made the day a lot brighter.  Kendra was born just a couple of days after Mother's Day 32 years ago and was a welcome addition to our little family. I would never have imagined that she was only to be ours for 28 years, not a lifetime.  Until losing Kendra, I think I just took things for granted, that horrible things only happened to other people.

Now, my heart hurts on Mother's Day because I am still missing my mom and now I am missing my daughter and I also know her birthday is around the same time, even falling on the same day occasionally. It has come to be one of those days that I am glad when it is over, as mean as that seems. Yes, I am honored and still love being a mom, and my girls mean the world to me, but on a day where you see everyone's posts about their moms and the posts from the kids to their moms, it just hurts my heart.

I know God sees all the mommas whose children are no longer living and He sees the sons and daughters who no longer have their moms and He grieves with us and He knows our hearts are heavy.  He knows it is human nature to grieve and to be sad, but He also wants us to draw near to Him, to give Him our burdens, to know that we are not alone.  It still hurts.

So as I am going to get through another Mother's Day without you Kendra. I am going to try and remember the fun times, the happy times, the joys of being your mom, the memories that I hold in my heart and remind myself that I was really lucky after all, you were mine for 28 years that God blessed us with.  That sometimes, we only get moments with our child, or months, a few years or not even get to see our child take a breath and I will never take that for granted ever again.  God bless all the mommas that are struggling to get though another Mother's Day without their child and may they feel God's peace and comfort. May they remember what a privilege it was to be that child's momma for however long they were allowed to be on this earth.  Missing you terribly, K Girl.  Happy Mother's Day to you in Heaven.

Bucket List No. 15

Page 1 of the Bucket List

The week Kendra died was the worst week of our lives.  We were all in a state of shock and just clung to each other in disbelief.  But it was during this horrific week that we wanted to go through all of Kendra's things that I had saved from her childhood and we came upon her bucket list.  As we read through her "100 Things I want to do in my Life", we laughed, we cried, we laughed some more and then we decided to try and fulfill her crazy wishes.  The more we talked about it, the more we loved the idea and it brought a spark of life back into our hearts.  Her bucket list brought about Kendrasbucketlistfunrun, which is going into its' 4th year.

As we try and to accomplish this bucket list, we found it has brought us some comfort in our grief and it has helped our hearts, especially when we are helping others.  Of course, some of them are totally impossible, she was 12 with big ideas, but some really touch my heart.  She had a love for learning and a love for others and many of them were about helping others and being kind.

So this brings us to No. 15: GO TO A DAVE MATTHEWS CONCERT.  Danielle was able to fulfill this one last Saturday, April 20th, 2019 in Charleston, SC.  We all laughed that it had to be a Kendra thing because Dave Matthews does not even tour anymore.  And then, Danielle got to go for free because she was representing her school, MSA and it was her boss that owned the Volvo Center that made the concert possible.  Now, we can't wait to take a pic of all of us wearing the tee shirts she got us and reveling in marking off another item on the bucket list.  As Danielle posted, sometimes we get so caught up in our lives and in our grief that we forget to experience and enjoy life again.  She said she felt that Kendra was reminding her that night to live again, to enjoy life again and that she would always be with us.

I will forever be grateful that 12 year old Kendra wrote her bucket list, not knowing that it would be a life preserver after her death.  I also like to think she's laughing in Heaven at the thought of us trying to do some of the crazy, wacky things on her list.  I look forward to the day we are all laughing together again! And when I can ask her about her bucket List!!  Missing you so much K Girl! Give God a hug from all of us.

Speak her name!

If you have lost a loved one, you know the looks that you can get sometimes when you talk about them or bring them up in a conversation.  Sometimes, it will just be uncomfortable looks or awkward silences. Or, even worse, advice on how to move one, how much better off they are, time heals all wounds, blah, blah, blah. I get it, people do not know what to say, or think they will only bring up hurt or pain if they talk about your deceased loved one.  Or that maybe, you do not want to be reminded of your missing child, spouse, etc., as if we ever could forget!!

This is not just me, as I follow many people on social media that have lost family and they all want to talk about them.  They want to remember their special days, their accomplishments while they were here with us.  They want to laugh about their funny quirks or their personalities, reminisce about family holidays and birthdays.  They want to speak their names.

When I talk about Kendra, it brings my heart joy, it brings about healing, it brings me comfort.  When I talk about her, I am saying she was here, she was important, her life mattered, she is still so loved and missed.  I never want to forget anything about her, I always want to hear her laugh in my mind, her voice as she was telling a joke and her hugs and smells.  By speaking of her, I am reminded of what she meant to me, to our family and no matter how many days, months or years pass, my love and longing for her will never fade away. I will never stop wanting to see her again and hold her in my arms.

So, when we are talking about our loved ones that have passed on, we are not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, we just want to remember them.  We just want to say their names and talk about them, because it is through us that they still live one.

                                                               MISS YOU K GIRL!!