Birthdays without you

 

 We just celebrated another birthday without you here.  You should have been turning 34, but you are forever 28. I think birthdays are hard because it reminds me that you are not ever going to be older than 28. You are never going to experience the joys of seeing your kids age and grow and become who you had started them on their way to becoming. I will forever miss seeing you and your sisters together, joking, singing and laughing.  I am never going to experience the joys of watching you age and mature, to see you clean and sober and see how you turned your life around.  I will never again in this earthly life, hug you, call you, see you or have you at another family celebration.  

You would think that after 5 years, it would sink in, become a reality that you are really gone. But it has not. I am still in disbelief that you left us so suddenly, that you are really not coming back, that you are now a permanent resident in your heavenly home.  Grief is the strangest emotion, because it changes, constantly.  One day or moment, you feel accepting, at ease and then another day or moment, you are falling apart, crying and missing your loved one so badly.  I can say this for sure, not a single moment goes by that we are not aware of your absence, that we do not long for the day when we can see you again. You are always in our hearts, on our minds and occupying our thoughts.  You are missed beyond measure. 

So Happy Birthday in Heaven, K Girl.  I do have peace because I know you are in the best possible place, but boy, I sure do miss you.  I miss hearing your laugh, your voice on the phone, seeing your wild, crazy hair, listening to your sometimes inappropriate stories and your loud presence being gone from our lives is so noticeable.  I imagine that you are celebrating big, singing with the angels and having all your favorite snacks!  We Love you Kendra.