When Heaven seems far away

When your faith feels strong, but your heart feels weak, a little broken and the pain is still noticeable, Heaven seems very far away. Some days, I still find myself missing Kendra so badly and longing to see her again.  I am so grateful for the precious hope of Heaven, but it seems really far away.

These are the times that I know God sees my hurting heart and my tears and He is there, hurting alongside me. I see her smile on her kid's faces, I hear her laugh in their laughter and my heart literally aches.  Life as I once knew it and took for granted was ripped away on that December morning and it still does not seem real at times.  Yes, it has been a little over two years, but I can tell you this, deep grief and missing does not go away over the passage of time.  It just becomes part of you, a part you are always aware of, a part you can't ever get rid of and you just have to learn to live with it.


I always wonder what Kendra would be doing now.  I like to imagine that she would have graduated finally and was working in the addiction counseling field she so wanted to go in. I try to picture her with her kids and to see the look on her face of pride and joy.  I would love to talk to her about Ethan and see her excitement about hearing him talk (she always wanted him to start talking and now he does not stop LOL).  I would love to see her taking Gia to school on her first day of Kindergarten and to see how big she is getting.  I would so love to see her hanging out with her sisters again and hearing them laugh and sing.

Our life is a lot quieter now without Kendra in it.  When our families get together, we look around and are still surprised at how small it seems.  When Kendra was in the house, you knew it, she was loud, she was always cracking jokes, making sarcastic remarks and just being her.  Our family will never  be the same, never be as loud, never have our three girls watching all their shows or singing karaoke again.  That is when Heaven seems far away.  I know our life is but a blip compared to eternity but this blip without our K Girl is a little harder and a little sadder.  Heaven might seem far away, but Jesus is not, He is right here waiting with me.