Grief is...........

Grief is.......so personal, so different for each individual person that I find I can no longer describe it. I hear from so many people suffering and grieving for their loved ones who are no longer with them and even though there is a general theme, every person has their own journey and description of what grief means to them. I have also learned that if you want to make a grieving person angry, just tell them it's time to move on.  Before losing Kendra, I never would have said to that to a grieving person anyway, but I have since realized that we are already moving on, with our lives, with our jobs, family members, etc. BUT we are not moving on in the same direction as before tragic loss. 

Our lives are totally different now and there is no changing that fact.  There will always be a huge hole now and even when we talk and reminisce about Kendra, it's about the past.  We only have our memories now, nothing in the now and nothing in the future. Grief is always with us, it's just how we choose to deal with it.  Some days I still have a good ugly cry, we seem to take turns and when one of us is down, the others try to encourage and be a shoulder to cry on.  Other days, I can fondly talk about her and not get all choked up and then I can see or say something and it brings on the tears. 

I also realize that I have my faith and without that I do not know how I would deal with my grief.  Because I hold in my heart the fact that I will be reunited with Kendra, my mom and all my loved ones and that alone gives my heart joy.  I know that Jesus is with me, that he cries with me, he rejoices with me and he carries me when I'm down.  We are not promised to have trouble free lives just because we are believers, but we are promised that we will not go through our trials alone.

I made the decision to use my grief for good.  I have found I no longer have any fears about sharing Christ with others, I do not worry about others think and that is a great gift I have taken from my grief.  Our family tries to do things in Kendra's name and we are getting ready for our third annual Bucket List Fun Run.  All of the proceeds from the run go to CADV (Citizens Against Domestic Violence) and it gives us so much joy to do this in Kendra's memory each year. My husband and I are now involved with our church's youth group and this brings us lots of joy.  I talk about Kendra and her story and I hope that it helps someone somewhere along the way. 

Yes, grief is inevitable when you lose a child, but there is no one way to get through it. We all have our individual stories and with social media now, we can follow others through their trials. I love that saying that we are just walking each other home and I try to do just that, walk along side my fellow parents grieving their children and praying for them and just try to be there for them.  And that is my biggest take away of grief, just be you, do what feels right for you, there is no timeline. And when others say it's time to move on, I say this.........just because our children are no longer physically present, they are with us, we loved them with all our heart, we love them still and even if we knew that it would end like it did, we would do it again, because they were worth every minute of it. God Bless all my fellow grievers.  And K Girl I miss you just as much today as I did the day you left us.