Asking what.........not why

One of the first things that I realized in the first days of overwhelming grief was this.......my faith was real, God was real and that no matter what I would get through it.  I will admit though that in the beginning that although I did not question my faith, I did question God.  I asked Him why, a lot.  Why Kendra, she's so young, she has kids.  Why her, she was getting her life turned back around.  Why her, she wanted to tell her story and use her life to help others struggling.  Why us, we just got her back.  Why us, we were a family again for just such a short time, that it did not seem fair.  I don't know if God ever answered any of those questions but I do know that I turned to his word in the Bible and he says over and over, he will not waste our pain. So then I realized that I had to turn my whys into whats, because really, why not me?  I am sure everyone in a crisis cries out to God and asks the same questions.

So then I started asking what do you want of me God? What is it that you want me to do with this terrible crushing heartache and pain?  How can I turn this devastating event into something positive and glorify your name and point others to You?  And I have learned that when you ask God what, he will answer.  The more I lean on Him and trust in Him, the less time I have to dwell on my hurting heart and I will tell you, my heart still hurts, it's still broken, it still yearns daily for my daughter, but I know where she is and she is waiting for us to come home too. So in the meantime, I am not going to waste any time here on Earth wallowing in self pity.  I am determined to use my grief for good and to allow God to use my pain, not waste it.

Looking back on the past two years and it still does not seem real or possible that I have not seen Kendra for that long, I do see God at work in our lives.  We are very involved with our youth group and we host them at our house every week.  We are planning our second mission trip to some orphanages in Baja, Mexico with our youth group. We are getting ready for our THIRD annual Kendras Bucket List Fun Run this May, with all the proceeds going to Citizens Against Domestic Violence.  We have donated items and books in Kendra's name and I look for any opportunity to tell others about Christ and his abundant grace and love.

I would challenge anyone asking why to start looking for whats because when you do, your life will change.  I can not change my circumstances.  I will never have my old life back, I will never see Kendra on Earth again, I will never be the same.  But the one thing that I can change is how I let the circumstances affect me.  I refuse to let grief win.  Yes, I am still broken, still hurting, still missing, but I am also stronger than I knew and so is my faith.  Missing you so much my K Girl!!