In the blink of an eye

Kendra at 1

Boy, in the blink of an eye, our whole life can irrevocably change forever.  In the blink of an eye, our life came to have a "before" and an "after".  One tiny moment in time can wipe out a whole future of plans and dreams and my idea of family.  One moment you think that things are finally going right then the next moment you will never have those thoughts again.

I'm still in shock and awe how quickly life can permanently change.  It hits me hardest when I'm planning a family get together, that we only have two daughters here physically.  It hits me whenever they travel or get sick, I immediately worry, but then I have to turn it over to God, to give him those concerns.  But I still do because once you realize that it can happen to you, that it did happen to you, you do not look at things the same way.  I take nothing for granted, I never assume that the unthinkable can't happen.  I don't like it, but it's my new reality.  I have to remember that I do not have to fear tomorrow because God is already there and he will not fail or abandon me.

When Kendra drove away that morning, I would have never dreamed that in just a little over a hour, she would be gone, that she would never return home.  I wonder if I had known if I would have told her anything more or questions I would have liked answered.  Well of course the answer is yes!!!! She did leave us many parts of her for us.  Some we hold in our hearts and some we have in pictures, videos, her singing on her CD, her many writings and her journals, all so precious to us! Finding her bucket list energized us, wanting to fulfill all her crazy and touching and loving wishes.

In the blink of an eye, I found out my heart could really, truly break.  That after I was knocked down as low as I could go, that I could rise.   That I could find grace in the midst of pain, of sorrow and endless tears.  In the blink of an eye, my faith grew and so did my heart.   God gave my heart the ability to grow around the cracks, mended but never fully healed, but still able to find joy and peace in my life again. Because it happened so abruptly and so unexpectedly, it is still hard to believe sometimes and there are still days that I miss her so badly, that it's hard to breathe.  In the blink of an eye, that family that I had was no longer. In the blink of an eye, Kendra took her last earthly breath and came face to face with her Savior.  In the blink of an eye, I became a mother with one less daughter here on Earth and my heart will yearn for and miss her until the day I die. 

Our family the day of Kendra's Celebration of Life