I find myself thinking back to the girls growing up and feeling very nostalgic, which I used to do before Kendra died, but more so now. Watching them growing up, I know I never imagined that one of them would be gone before me. As they grew older, we became friends, best of friends.
Before the last year of her life, Kendra and I talked all the time; however, I did not know she was struggling with drugs or other problems. I know now that she was scared, embarrassed and ashamed. If anything, I would like others to know that its OK to have struggles, but please reach out and get help, talk to someone before it becomes too late.
But what I miss the most is talking with her. We talked about books and she was such an avid reader, she was always reading something. I have her kindle and it has hundreds of books on it. She was interested in all kinds of books, fiction, non-fiction, biographies, etc. She passed on her love of books and reading to her son, Ethan. He loves reading and collecting books and it warms my heart to see that part of her being carried on.
I miss talking about TV shows and movies and she always had the latest gossip on celebrities. Kendra was so bright and so funny and she loved to laugh and to make others laugh. My life will never be the same or as bright with her gone.
It always hits me that she is truly gone when I do things like license something and I only have two daughters to put on title or changing our trust because Kendra is no longer here. Or being at the doctors office and they ask about family history and to say one of my daughters is deceased is still such a surreal feeling. Stephani just called me the other day and she was crying, having one of those days. She said that she still can't believe that Kendra won't be here to see her graduate or have a baby. That her children will never know her sister is a sad feeling. I try to be strong on those days, because I know my girls still struggle with grief and I want them to be able to talk to me about it.
Death is certain, but not planned for and certainly not expected for someone young and full of life. I have learned that we just have to wing it, there is no set of rules for what to say or do in this situation. When her kids ask about her, I love to talk about her with them. But they still do not fully understand that she is not coming back. Gia always asks if her Mom is coming to our house to see her or if she lives there. She always says she misses her and loves her and I hope I can help her as she grows older, to know that her mom loves her and never wanted to leave her. I pray a lot too.
Longing for someone no longer living is a feeling that is hard to explain. It's always there, always..........it's there in sorrow, tears, grief, but it's also there in joy, laughter and having fun. It's like a little pain in your heart that you are always aware of and it's a longing that never leaves. I know Kendra is in Heaven and her life now is so much more than I can even dream of, but I still miss her every minute of every day. Missing you so much my sweet K girl, Mom
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