I wish I had one more..........

Kendra, since you have been gone I find myself wishing, a lot.  I wish I had one more day with you, I would take just an hour or even a minute, if that's all I could get!  I wish I could see you again, with that big smile and that big mass of hair needing to be brushed, lol.  I wish I could talk to you and ask you all my unanswered questions.

I wish I had one more photo of you that I haven't seen yet!  If someone sends me a photo of you, it's like a Christmas gift and I am so excited and grateful to get it.  I wish I had one more time to take photos of you, with your kids, your sisters, friends and Dad and I.  Never being able to take another photo of you or with you hurts my heart.  I tell everyone to take lots of pictures because you never know when you might not get the chance again and they are priceless to me now.

I wish I had one more trip up the stairs to see you on that last morning.   You were drinking your egg nog out of the carton which was so totally you and I just remember thinking how beautiful you looked and how happy I was to have you back with us again, drug free and at peace.   As long as I live, I will never forget that moment, especially since it was almost my last time with you.

I wish I had one more time to hear your laugh, to see you doubled over and holding your belly because you were laughing so hard. I would love to hear your voice, telling us a joke or something funny you read or saw on TV.   I wish I had one more book review from you, you read literally everything!!!  You always were so excited to see new books coming out from our favorite authors and you introduced me to so many new books that I would never have read on my own.

I wish I had one more phone call from you!   You always answered hello in a sing song voice or if there was something wrong I could tell immediately.   You always had funny stories about the kids and something smart that Ethan had done.  You were the proudest momma and for a long time you would refuse and get angry at anyone suggesting Ethan get tested for autism.  But once you found out it was true you were determined he was still going to shine in his own way and you gave him your love of reading and books. I wish I had one more text, see your name pop up on my phone.  I wish I could read one more email or read one more Instagram post.

Really, I just wish I had you, period.  Sometimes I wish I didn't miss you so badly and that your absence in our lives wasn't so noticeable.   That I didn't have to wish to see you.   That the hole in my heart wasn't so big. That you weren't gone.  My only consolation is that you are living way larger than you ever did here, that you are shining brighter, loving louder and happier than you ever were here and that some day all my wishes will come true, when we see you again.   Love you my sweet K Girl.