Grief is Timeless

Gia and her angel mom Kendra

I foolishly thought that after a year, grief would subside or maybe even start going away.  That maybe I could store it away for awhile and just pull it out once in awhile.  I now realize that grief is timeless, that it will be something that I will live with for the rest of my life.  It does come and go, at times just a gentle reminder in my mind and on my heart and other times, it brings me to my knees. It has made me also realize that I am stronger than I ever knew.  I always thought that I would never be able to go on if I lost one of my girls, that I would simply curl up in a ball and never want to leave my house.  At first, I will admit, that is how I felt, but as times goes on, I do not want grief to win.  I want to live my life in a way that honors both God and Kendra.  I still have my husband and my two daughters and many, many family and friends.

Grief is timeless in the fact that it feels like we lost Kendra just yesterday and forever ago. Somedays it feels like I have not seen her for years and other days, I can remember her last day standing at the refrigerator and drinking her egg nog right out of the carton so clearly.  I now know that love is endless and my heart will never fully heal.  I feel love more deeply now and I feel compassion for others in a way that I could not before.  My faith has grown as I have clung more closely to God and look to him for peace in my troubled times.

There are still many hard days, such as when Kendra's daughter Gia comes and she wants to look at pictures and ask questions about her mom.  I will always be here for her and will always want to talk about her mom, because I want her to never forget her.  I want her to know how much her mom loved her and tell about the three months her mother spent in the hospital caring for her when she was born.  That her mother was so proud of her and was so excited to have a daughter.  Gianna says her mom is an angel and she always to talk to this one tall angel that sits by our fireplace.  She always runs in to say hello and sits and rubs her hair.  Then she always tells her goodbye.  As sad as we are to lose our daughter, I can't imagine losing my mom at 4 years old.  

I have read so many articles and books about the stages of grief and I have really only learned one thing.  You can't put a description on grief, nor is there any one way that we grieve.  We all grieve differently and it does not make sense to me that you are supposed to go through a stage, mark it off the list and move on to the next one.  I can't say that I have been through many of those stages at all.  I just know I miss her and I always will and I know that I have accepted that she is gone. But my heart tells me differently, my heart will never fully be whole, my heart always says "Come back, daughter".

Grief is timeless because love is timeless and even when our loved ones are not here physically, they are always with us.  Kendra is always on my mind and sometimes I can laugh and not be be sad and other times I break down just thinking about her.  Grief sneaks upon you, it comes out of nowhere and I read a beautiful quote that our tears are just an outward expression of our inward love for that missing person.  My greatest comfort though is knowing that Kendra was a child of God and that we will see her again.  We talked about this with Gia and she was so excited that she would be able to see her mom "alive" again someday.  Grief just becomes a part of us, we learn to live with it, but we are aware of its presence in our lives daily.  I have also learned that there is still joy, there is still happiness, there is still laughing and that as much as I hate the saying, life goes on. Missing you so much and I just know Heaven is so much brighter with you there.