You have been in Heaven for a whole year now. You fulfilled your final and most important item on your Bucket List on December 12, 2015.............No. 100 - Go to Heaven. I still try to imagine what it's like, what you do. I try to picture how beautiful it must be and I'm sure I'm not even close to the awesome beauty you are surrounded by. I like to think of you singing in that big heavenly choir and laughing your big belly laugh. I hope you got your long beautiful hair back, sorry I wanted to keep it here with us. We did laugh though picturing you seeing my really bad butcher job to your hair.
I don't know how much you see or how much you know about all of us here going on without you. We are doing it, we are learning how to live our lives without you. Figuring out our family with a noticeable hole, a big chunk missing. Our get togethers will never be as loud, as funny, as completely carefree as we were in the past. We have changed a lot in this year. We are closer, we call more and make time for each other. We group text and group call and FaceTime. We talk about you a lot, we remember all our times with you, both funny and sad. We look for signs from you and anything that reminds us of you. We cry more easily and love more fiercely.
I am sure that I will still feel this pain and ache in my heart for the rest of my life. I will never truly accept you are gone, just like that, in the blink of an eye. I am totally reliving that day one year ago that's completely changed our lives. Going through getting up in the morning, hearing my phone ring over and over while I was in the shower. Answering that phone and hearing you were in a horrific car accident and that you were going to be life flighted to Kansas City. Waiting and waiting for the call to let us know where they were taking you. Then the knock on the door, our pastor and friend who was also a highway patrolman, the look on their faces and neither one speaking, until we asked did she make it? Then falling to the floor in utter disbelief and feeling my heart actually break. Then going in to see you later that day, you just looked like you were asleep. I stroked your hair, silently pleading in my head for you to open your eyes and say it's not true. How could you just be here this morning and then leave to never come home? How do you plan a funeral for your child right before Christmas? You had children, you had finished rehab, you had your whole life ahead of you. We thought at the time that God had spared you and got you to rehab because he had big plans for you, so just asking for God to reveal what the bigger picture is. But we got through and planned your service and it was the saddest, most devastating week of our lives.
I am so grateful I have family, friends, church family and my faith. I do not know how I would have got through without them and God. I'm still having difficulty accepting you are really gone and I'm always looking for ways to keep you here in our hearts and minds. I still have not deleted your contact info, your email address or anything that still has your name on it. I still miss you and cry for you as if you only left us yesterday. People say oh time heals all wounds or it gets easier as time goes by, I can tell you, NO IT DOES NOT. Not one single day goes by that I don't think of you, probably not even an hour. I do try to be positive and normally I am, but today my grief wave is a tsunami. Thinking of you today and trying to just breathe.
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