Sometimes Life is Hard

Sometimes life is hard, sometimes life is real hard.  I'm trying to be joyful going into the Christmas season which has always been my most favorite time of the year.  With three grandchildren, it's not hard to find reasons to be happy and enjoy this time.

But there are so many constant reminders of Kendra everywhere!  I put our tree up and as I put her ornaments on the tree I would remember all the different times we would pick them out together.  Then I got out the Christmas stockings and that's when I broke down as I saw her stocking with her name on it.  It hit me that I would never Christmas shop for her again, I would never get her lists again.  We would never see her open her gifts and squeal with joy at new makeup, jewelry, clothes, big purses,shoes and the latest gadgets.  We won't see her this year put on all her gifts at once, laughing and wearing her new sunglasses in the house.  She would try on all on her clothes and model them for us.

She would get so much joy from watching her kids open their gifts.  She would get as excited as they would waiting for Santa.   Ethan was helping decorate his tree this year and he said "Oh Kendra Grant would love this tree".  And she would! Gia has been at our house this weekend and she wants to look at photo albums to look at pictures of her mom.  It's all I can do not to cry, because she says she misses her mom.  Boy, so do I!!  I think of her when the chocolate milk carton I buy has an expiration date of December 12th and I almost cry seeing egg nog everywhere.  Danielle opened a book and a ticket stub fell out, her plane ticket for December 12th, the day Kendra died and she flew here.

As much as she is not here this Christmas, she is so here with us.  She's in the ornaments on the tree, in my mom's Christmas sweaters that we wear every year, in our memories of Christmas's past.  She's in everything I do, the gifts I buy, the presents I wrap, the photos I take.  I take her with me on this grief journey.

Life is so hard sometimes and life without one of my girls in it is harder.  I rely on my faith and God comes to me, pulling me out of my deepest sorrow.  I do see that there is still much to celebrate and joy and happiness, some days harder to find that others.  So as I continue on this journey, I realize it's a journey for the rest of my life.  You don't just grieve for a year and move on, its forever.  Forever a hole in our family, forever a piece of my heart gone.  But God takes all the broken pieces and puts them back together again, just not in the same way, because I will never be the same.  I sure hope they have a huge Christmas tree in Heaven, with the most beautiful decorations!!   Kendra, send me a little Christmas cheer, sweet girl!!!  In fact, I'm going to buy Christina Aguilera's Christmas album and blast it and smile and think of you the whole time!   I sure love and miss you.