Crazy roller coaster ride called grief

I have never had so many emotions running through my mind as I have this past year. One day I'm coasting along and it feels like things are going to be ok.  Then I'm climbing up and my thoughts become slowed down and I'm grateful for my blessings, then the next moment I'm plunged into a downward spiral, all thoughts out of control and the water works start.  I've had more ugly cries this last week than I have had in a long time.

It just feels like my emotions stay constantly churning.  This week was a huge turning point in Kendra's life, in her kids and families lives.  She went to a local rehab on Halloween then one week later on my birthday, off to a Christian rehab in Memphis.  So that has been on my mind all week. It does not seem possible that a year has passed.  I remember vividly that all during this week last year I was praying fervently for Kendra and her family.  That she would get the help she needed, that she would find herself again and find God again.  All those prayers were answered.

So I'm going to reflect on those weeks as we come to Thanksgiving and be so grateful that she did the hard work at rehab and got clean.  She learned a lot about herself and what drove her addictions. Even though those weeks were her last weeks on earth, she was right where she was supposed to be. I told her last year that her going to rehab was the best birthday present I ever had.  I sure didn't think it would be the last gift I ever got from her.

Grief is the absolute worst emotion ever.  So far it hasn't left me or if I get a reprieve, it doesn't go very far away.  A part of me died the day we lost Kendra.  She took a part of my heart, a part that I gave her when she was born. She left us her two precious kids and I see her every time I look at them. I see her hands, her cheeks, her smile. I hear her laugh, her sounds and her sense of humor.

I imagine that I will be riding this roller coaster until the day I die. I will have some high highs and some low lows, some coasting and some screaming plunges.   But through it all, God is with me, he meets us where we are, even on a roller coaster!