Broken hearted but not broken

My heart is forever, irrevocably broken, a piece forever missing, but I am not broken.  I will never be whole or complete again, how could I?  My daughter is always with me in my heart, but until the day that we are reunited, I will always be missing the middle of my heart.

I have a relationship with God and it's a two way street. He asks and expects things from me and in return I ask and question him.  I ask why, but not why me.  Because bad things happen every day, every minute, all over the world, so how could I think that none of it should happen to me.  My trust and faith in God is greater now.  I know that some people do not believe at all or lose their faith when tragedy strikes.  But for me, in my sorrow, I have turned to him for my peace, my comfort and I know he has Kendra in his loving care.  Now faith is not a magic wand and it erases all my pain and sorrow, because I still cry every day, I hurt every day, I miss her every day, but I know I can get through every day.

You never think tragedy is going to strike your family, that's something that only happens to other people.  I used to think I would not be able to go on if something happened to one of my kids, I don't know how they do it.  Here's how, you just go on.  I choose to try and honor Kendra and God daily in my living and actions.  I will do whatever I can to keep her memory alive and tell her story since she is not able to.  She so wanted to help others, so I will do that in her place.  Most days, I still can't believe she's gone and it still feels like it happened yesterday.  She was so vibrant and loud, yes loud, you always knew when she was in the house.  I miss her laughing at her own jokes, her sarcastic humor and comebacks.  Whenever she was around, you could count on her to liven up the place.  She ended every phone call, even if she was mad at me, with "I love you, Mom".   I miss her with every fiber of my soul.  I have never known such gut wrenching pain or longing.  I just want her back.

I love that verse in the Bible 1 Corinthians 10:13......"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, and that you may be able to endure it".  God does not waste our pain, he allows us to use it for his good.  That's my prayer, that he uses my pain for his glory and to help others.  That's how I am broken hearted but not broken.  Missing my K girl like crazy today.