Seasons of Grief

Kendra, Stephani and Danielle

As we approach fall, an overwhelming sense of sadness and I think the only word that describes it, homesickness, has come over me. I long for the days past when all my girls were still here, when looking forward to the holidays only filled me with joy.  Where Christmas was the most fun and joy filled month of the year, not a month I am dreading and I really hate to have that feeling.

When I think back to just a year ago, it makes my head spin to think of all the changes that have taken place in our life. This time last year, we were happily planning Stephani and Rob's wedding.  We had just found out that both Ryan and Danielle were moving to South Carolina and Lance and Kendra were headed for Kansas City. Now this Mimi was not very happy about the grandkids not being close by anymore, but we were happy for our kids trying to better themselves. But nevertheless, life seemed good and for the first time in 32 years, my husband and I were going to be empty nesters, so we thought.

Of course, as I have told you, right after the wedding, everything seemed to fall apart. When Kendra went into rehab, we took Ethan into our home so that he could attend school.  I have said he has Aspergers, so we wanted his life to remain as normal as possible. So our Thanksgiving that year was anything but normal.  We did have Steph and Rob and his family and we had Ethan, but one daughter in rehab and another clear across the country, was not the family celebrations of past.

Then comes Christmas and this is my favorite time of the year and it always brings me so much joy to decorate the house.  It is my favorite season of all.  When we found out that Kendra would be home by Christmas, it added more joy to the festivities. Oh boy, did that Christmas turn out to be anything but festive. We still went to church Christmas Eve and celebrated the birth of our Savior, but our hearts were so heavy and we just did what we had to do to get though the day. I know also, that our holidays will never be the same and that is something we will just have to learn to deal with. We lost a part of each of us, the day Kendra left.

There are many seasons in grieving though as we go through all the stages. I am sure it is different for everyone, but we all have to get though the special days that occur throughout the year. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and the day our loved ones left us.  I am still in the season of counting days, weeks and months since I last saw Kendra. For me, these days are so painful because we are reminded of all that we lost and all that will never be again.  I am still in the season of breaking down in tears in public, which I hate most of all or at work or church.  I am still in the mourning season.  But even in this season, I do find joy, I can laugh and there is still much to be thankful for.

So as I approach all these coming annual milestones, I pray for God to give me a peace in my heart and in my husband and daughter's hearts. We are still struggling, we are still in the season of mourning.  I have heard that saying you don't know what you have, until you have lost it. Well, that is not true, we knew what we had, a beautiful, funny, loving daughter and sister and that makes it all the more painful to bear the loss.  On my worst days, I think of Kendra in Heaven and how wonderful that must be.  And to know that she is no longer struggling with earthly things, that she is permanently in the season of utter joy in her beautiful heavenly home.