243 Days...............

My last photo of you taken right before you left for rehab

It has been 243 days since I last saw you.  243 days...36 weeks...8 months.  That seems too long, way too much time and then when I think of all the days to come without you in them, it hurts to breathe.  I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that you are really, truly, never to be seen on earth again, gone.  You have never been further away than 75 miles and now you are for the rest of my lifetime away.

I look, I pray, no I plead to God for a sign, something, anything, a little hello from you.  I look for butterflies, a dove hanging around our house, long forgotten notes from you.  I can not put into words how much I miss you, how much I yearn for you, how my chest tightens when I think about you.   I never, ever imagined a life where one of my girls would be missing.  That we will never celebrate another birthday with you and our Christmas's will never be the same without you being a part of it.You loved Christmas and you passed that on to your son, not just the presents, but you loved everything about the holiday, the decorations, the train around the tree, the music, (Christina Aguilera's Christmas album, sung in Spanish was your all time favorite and you sang right along in Spanish) and most of all, EGG NOG!.  No, you knew the true meaning of Christmas but you so loved the spirit of the holiday. Our last Christmas went by in a daze and you were so missed!

I know God had a bigger plan for you and I do rejoice that you are home with your Heavenly Father. I am selfish though, I'm a mother, a mother who misses her child.  I would give anything, I mean anything to hug you one more time, to stroke your hair, to feel your hand in mine, to hear your voice just once more and to see your face.  I have saved a voicemail you sent me two days before your death and I listen to it all the time.  You end it, just like you always ended our phone calls, saying I love you Mom.  It both cheers me up and breaks my heart.

I found a journal that you had started when you started high school. I had saved all your papers, awards, trophies and writings from your childhood.  The first page of this particular journal, you had written in about the middle of the page, "Mom, if you are reading this, I'm OK, I love you".  I'm sure you wrote that because A you thought I would snoop and B if I did I shouldn't worry about your teen angst ramblings, poems and songs!  But boy did that touch my heart, like you were speaking to me from Heaven.  It also reminds me of what I'm missing out on and what your kids and family are missing out on.

I have read the book "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and one line really stuck with me, "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear".   It does feel the same, cold inside, can't think, everything feels wrong and scary, like fight or flight, but you don't know who or where. No, I don't fear death nor do I have any doubts about where you are, but that does not stop my feelings, my sorrow or my grief.   Psalms 147:3..........He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.  Thank the Lord for binding my wounds, for allowing me and our family to go on, to still find joy and happiness.  If I could I would bring you back in a second, but you have seen God and all his glory and the beauty of Heaven and you would not want to come back.  So I will just continue to ask God to reveal what he has in store for me and how to use me to keep telling your story and glorifying his name.  So that others can know that God is good all the time and that he's with us in the midst of turmoil and peace.

I hope someday I won't count days, weeks or months that you have been gone, but that probably will never happen.  I know that I will never stop thinking of you daily and wishing you were still here with us.  So until we are joyfully reunited one day, I will keep counting the days until I see your beautiful, smiling face again and give you the biggest hug ever!   Happy 8 months in Heaven Anniversary!

Kendra's last line in her journal. Keep Praying. Good things are coming.