A Sister's Pain

I think one of the hardest things to deal with on this lifelong grief journey is watching my daughters grieve.  As a mom, I always wanted to take any pain away that my girls suffered.  Whether it was a boo boo, stitches, illnesses, colds or broken hearts, I wanted to make it better, that was my job.   I was and still am, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and a caring hug.

But losing their sister is a pain I cannot fix, cannot make it go away, can't change it one bit.  It hurts me to see them hurting and grieving for Kendra. They are so young to experience such devastating loss and I hate it for them.

Sudden death is so shocking that at first you don't know what to do.  Each person has to navigate their  grief journey on their own.  As we go along on a journey we didn't ask for or want, we figure out what works best for us individually.  Some write, journal, work out, others turn to medicine or therapy or in my case, I leaned in on my faith and God.  But I have learned that I can't take their journey for them, I can only let them know I'm here for them and I love them.

One of us is always having a moment or a memory or a breakdown.  We know we can call each other and the other two will listen, cry together and try to cheer the other up.   We love nothing better than to get a sign from Kendra and we will be so excited to share.  Or someone will share a story or photo and we can't wait to spread that joy.

But my mommas heart is always hurting for my girls, for their broken hearts.  I wish I could make it not be true, that their sister is not gone.   They talk about all the things they enjoyed as sisters and their memories are so bittersweet.   They love to talk about growing up and remembering her sense of humor, her laugh, her sharp wit, how she always had her nose in a book. We sure do cherish each and every one of those priceless memories.  I had put all of our old VHS tapes onto DVDs and I can watch our lives play out when the girls were growing up.  I love that I will always get to hear her voice, see her smile and laugh and remember when our family was whole.  Before and after, that is our life now.  Of course, our family will be whole again someday when we are all reunited in Heaven.

I never thought there would be a pain or ache that I couldn't take care of or make better, that I would have to see my girls suffer and grieve.  I can't make it better but God can.  He has been with us and holding us up on this long journey.  Is our pain gone?  No, but it is eased because God knows when to send the right person, the helpful scripture, the thoughtful card or phone call.   He's there loving us like the good Father that he is, hating that we are hurting too.  And that's the lesson I've learned, I can't fix this but my girls know I love them and that I'm here, to listen, to hug and a shoulder to cry on.  A hard lesson, but death is not easy, on any of us left here to mourn them.