Egg Nog and grief waves

It's not the big things that almost bowl me over with grief, it's the small, everyday things. As I was in Walmart yesterday and I see the egg nog is out, I immediately got tears in my eyes. Ever since Kendra was a little girl, she loved egg nog.  She would get so excited every year when it came out and would beg me to get her some. When she was in the hospital, flat on her back waiting for Gia to be born, I took her egg nog every week, when I went to visit her.  As I saw that egg nog, it brought me right back to my last day with her.  Right before she left the house, she drank her final glass of egg nog.  All that week following her death, we all would cry when we opened the fridge and there was her carton of egg nog, a blaring reminder that she wasn't coming home to finish it.

I also spotted the Christmas decorations coming out and it knocked the breath out of me.  Kendra loved Christmas and she would be the first of the girls to get me her and the kids wish lists.  It dawned on me that this year, there will be no lists.  I will never buy her another Christmas gift again.  I won't get to shop for makeup and purses and clothes, no Victoria Secret, no American Eagle. I won't be hunting down a certain pair of jeans or a favorite perfume.  I had finished my shopping last year when she died and all her gifts were under the tree.  I can't tell you how sad this makes me and I cry every time I think about it.

Danielle texted Steph and I that she was at a restaurant and heard one of the songs on the video they had put together for Kendra's celebration of life and it brought her right back to that week.  She said she felt like she was right back in that time, that feeling of emptiness and so surreal.   She then realized what song it was.  That's how grief hits, in waves rolling over you and pulling you under.  We then talked about much we miss her.  Danielle said she hears her son talk and it reminds her of Kendra and that his hands are just like hers. We realized that we will never get over losing Kendra.  We will get through, but our life will never be the same again.

I now understand why the holidays are hard.  It's because there are so many memories of happy, good times and it's so hard to believe your loved one is gone.  We will still laugh, find joy and make new memories but she will always be on our minds and in our hearts.  Praying for peace for the upcoming months.