Nine Months in my Heart

I carried you for nine months, praying over you and waiting to find out if you were a girl or a boy. I gained weight, lovingly put your nursery together and was so excited to meet you.  When you were born, you stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on you.  You were really too big for a natural birth so your collar bone got broken during delivery.  You were not a happy camper the first few months of your life.  But you quickly became this jolly, happy and somewhat chubby little girl. I only imagined good things for you, a wonderful, happy life.  It never entered my mind that you would only be here with us for a short time, that I wouldn't grow old with all of my girls.  Now for nine months I have carried you in my heart.

I can say for sure that the nine months I was waiting for your birth were much more joy filled and with much more anticipation.  These past nine months have totally rocked my world, everything that I thought I had and everything that I thought I was, totally, permanently changed.  I have never once lost my faith, but I have never experienced such gut wrenching grief.  Where I literally feel pain in my heart and somedays my heart feels so heavy that I sometimes feel immobilized.

I have thought back many times to my pregnancy with you, your birth and your childhood.  I find comfort in reliving your life and it brings many joyful moments.  But then it usually brings me to tears as I long to see you again.  I have never given much thought to the word longing, but in grief that is such a powerful word.   No other word describes it quite so accurately.  But when your child is gone, you ache, yearn, long to be with your child again.  I long to see your face, to hear your voice, to feel you, to be with you.  It's a feeling that never goes away.  You are on my mind all day, as I go to bed, when I wake up at night and again when I get up in the morning.  Our family is forever changed, you will always be a huge part of our life even though you are not physically present, but you are so  here with us.

When you have a baby, you want for them to crawl, walk, talk, get teeth, grow, go to school, get good grades, etc. you certainly don't think about them dying.  You were my second baby, my second daughter and you always will be.  I had another mother ask me if I had peace in my heart and I answered her honestly that yes I do.  I have peace in my heart because I know you are waiting for us in your beautiful heavenly home. I have peace because I know you are at peace, you are home.  I was allowed the privilege of being your mother and even though I would never want to do so, I had to give you back to God.  So now I carry you in my heart forever, my beautiful, so loved daughter.  Nine months is not a long time to create a life, but these past nine months without you have felt endless.