Having a hard day.......

Having a hard day today.  Woke up just remembering the girls childhood and all the fun we used to have. Pulled out pictures and spent time reliving family vacations, birthdays and school years.  Sat and bawled and it's really hard sometimes to get out of this funk.  Coming into fall I just keep thinking Kendra should be here, going to Chiefs football games, finishing school, just living and having fun. She should be here still raising her kids  She should still be coming through my front door giving us her big hellooooo! She should still be here with us. God gave her a second chance, but then she didn't get to experience that second chance very long.  I'm not bitter about it, but it just makes me really sad, because she was so excited and had so many plans for her future. She should be be working on becoming an addiction counselor, she had such a passion for wanting to do that.  I really think she would have helped so many people because she walked in their shoes and she knew the hard work to overcome it.  So now I just ask God to help me speak Kendra's words and story so she can still help others.  Her death has meaning to us but she so wanted to make a difference.

I can't even put into words how overwhelming grief can be sometimes.  I have been doing pretty good and then wham this week has been rough. Memories just keep flooding my mind.  And when I think of all the things that she will never be a part of again, I just feel overwhelmed with missing her. From now on, in our lives, we talk about before Kendra died and after she died.  I so hate having a before and an after.

I do realize that I'm being selfish, that she's having the time of her life, getting to hang out with Jesus, but that doesn't stop the hurt and pain living here now without her.  Sometimes it would be so nice to go back in time for awhile.  I would go back to family vacations and summers spent at the pool and times we just sat around and talked and laughed together. If I could do this, I would not take one moment for granted, I would cherish every smile, hug and laugh. But what I have now are pictures and the sweet memories and the knowledge that we always told each other I love you and she knew without a doubt she was loved, cherished and special in our eyes.

So yes today is hard and I am sure I will have more hard days.  But that just means we lost someone special, someone that meant the world to us and that we loved beyond measure.  Love is not always easy and losing a person we love is the hardest thing I have ever gone through Just know our special K girl that we will be together again some day but until that day, I will honor and cherish your memory and love and miss you with all of my heart.