Struggling........................

I have read many things regarding grief, including the 7 steps and I have to say, for me anyway, I don't agree. There are millions of steps and I think for the rest of my life and my husband's and daughter's lives, we will never get though all the steps. Because one day, I am OK and I feel at peace, then the very next day, I am crying and all I can think about is how much I miss her.

I also wrongly thought that by now I would be accepting that my daughter is gone. But it seems like it is just now sinking in that she is truly not here anymore, that this is our life now and it hurts worse than in the beginning.  I talked to her sisters and they feel the same, that it is just now hitting us that it is not a bad dream, she's really gone, she really died.

It hit me really hard this last week, when her husband got engaged.  I felt a certain pain and sorrow, because he can move on, start anew.  There is no starting anew when you lose a daughter, she can not be replaced and there is no moving on for her sisters, they will always feel that huge void, that missing part to their life.  My faith is still strong and I do rejoice that we will all be together again someday, but I am also weak, I am a mother who just wants her child back.  I want her sisters to have their sister back and her kids to have their mother back. I want her to walk through my front door and greet me with hugs, I want to hear her laugh, her voice, I just want her.

So yes, even though I know where she is, I am going to admit, I am struggling.  Each day seems a little harder, not easier. Because as time goes on, it sinks in more and more that she is not here anymore. I am never going to see her again as long as I live.  That hurts more than words can ever express.  I know that when people ask how you are doing, they really do not want to hear, not good, that it has been awhile now, our lives should be getting back to normal.  That normal died with Kendra, our life will never the same, never be back like it was.  It's like removing the middle piece out of something and expect it to keep standing, that the missing piece will not be noticed.
  I am almost dreading the holidays, it's like a punch to the gut.  She died on Ethan's birthday, December 12th and I do not want that to be a bad day for him, ever! So we will still celebrate and he will not see the pain in us, we just want him to be happy.  I wish she had died any other month besides December. That is the month both her children were born, her sister's birthday, Jesus's birthday and Christmas. But that is the month and I am determined we are all going to celebrate and be happy, even in our sorrow.

I never imagined ever that we would outlive one of our girls.  I don't think that is something any parent thinks about happening. It is a feeling I do not think I will ever be able to describe. It's feels like a deep pit of despair sometimes.  I do have the joy and hope of salvation and I do feel peace in the fact that I know she is in a way better place, where there is no sorrow, sadness or troubles. So when I am feeling down, I do try and think of how happy she is and she has no more earthly struggles, only an eternity of joy! One thing I do not have is regret.  We always said we love you, she knew we loved her unconditionally and we knew the same. Yes, her life had gotten out of control the last few months before she died, but she was turning it around and I praise God for that.

I just want others to know that it is OK to struggle, that does not mean we do not have faith or trust in our Lord. It just means that we loved someone so much that we will never get over them being gone from our lives.  I love the saying below, the only cure for grief is to grieve.  Miss you K Girl!!!