We sang a song in church today and it had the words Forever Changed in it. It made me realize that my life is indeed forever changed. I hope and pray it's for the better as far as my heart is softer and I have more compassion. Especially for others in pain, whether it be from loss or just struggles in their life.
Not for the better in regards to living the rest of my life without my daughter in it. I long for her. I don't even know how to put into words how much I miss her, it's much more than that. My heart physically aches, I think that's where the term heartbreak comes from.
We had our granddaughter this weekend , she's 4 and she's Kendra's daughter. She looks so much like her, I just wanted to squeeze and hug her the whole time. It also made me miss her mom so much. She would be so proud of her kids and the people they are becoming. She would so enjoy her little mini-me and I am so sad that she will never get to see her grow up. I'm so sad that they will never know how funny and smart their mom was. How she was always joking around and most of all bragging about her kids accomplishments. I know we will tell them all about her but it's definitely not the same. Their lives are forever changed also.
All of us that loved Kendra are forever changed. Her sisters and I are always talking about her, sometimes in laughter and sometimes in tears. We all miss her and long for her. It's so painful to think that we will not get to see her again, at least not here on earth. And as much as I am comforted by the thought of seeing her again in heaven some glorious day, it does not stop the hurting or wanting to see her again.
I am so grateful and I feel so blessed to be her mother. That the Lord allowed me 28 years, even if some of them were not so great. She was never ours to keep, she always belonged to her Heavenly Father and she is right where she belongs. I look for what I can take away from her life, drug abuse, redemption, her love for family and for the Lord. What lessons can I pass onto others, what can I take from her life and death and help someone else in need? I am forever changed because Kendra was in our life and then the Lord took her home way too soon, but she left an indelible mark and it's my duty as her mother to keep sharing her story. My life might look somewhat the same but my heart is forever changed. The one thing that will never change is my longing to be with Kendra again, missing her daily and my never ending love for her.
I am so grateful and I feel so blessed to be her mother. That the Lord allowed me 28 years, even if some of them were not so great. She was never ours to keep, she always belonged to her Heavenly Father and she is right where she belongs. I look for what I can take away from her life, drug abuse, redemption, her love for family and for the Lord. What lessons can I pass onto others, what can I take from her life and death and help someone else in need? I am forever changed because Kendra was in our life and then the Lord took her home way too soon, but she left an indelible mark and it's my duty as her mother to keep sharing her story. My life might look somewhat the same but my heart is forever changed. The one thing that will never change is my longing to be with Kendra again, missing her daily and my never ending love for her.
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