Half a year......without you

Me and Kendra

I can't believe you have been gone half of a year!  It seems like a lifetime and only yesterday.  Time has not lessened my pain or my missing you or my yearning to see you again.  On December 12, 2015 at 10:21 a.m., my life took a major detour.  Nothing will ever be the same, I will never be the same.  A part of me will be missing as long as I live, a part of my heart that you took with you when you left us. I was not ready to let you go, but God had a different plan. To be honest, I would never be ready to let any of my loved ones go, I just have to trust God.  And be thankful for my blessings of two beautiful, loving daughters and their husbands, three awesome grandchildren and my husband, all of whom I love dearly, plus the rest of my family and friends.  I am truly blessed.

Sometimes when I wake up first thing in the morning, I have to remind my self that is still true, you are really gone.  Then my heart stops beating for a minute and its hard to breathe.  I do not know if there will ever come day that I accept that you have died. I continue to look for signs and when we get one, it totally makes my day.  Just a couple weeks ago, one of our great neighbors said she had a little going away present for Ethan.  She said it was two little cars that had been sitting in their spare room for years.  When we opened them up, they were PT Cruisers!  Wanting to own a PT Cruiser was on your bucket list.  It brought tears to my eyes.

I can't even put into words the pain I feel in my heart, it's always there.  I have not been able to go a day yet without tears, some days just watery eyes, some days silent tears running down my face and then sometimes full out bawling.  Where I feel like I will not be able to stop, that horrible ugly cry that feels endless.

I hate that I can't call you, that I can't text or email you, that as long as I live, I can't see you.  I hate that I will not get to see you graduate college, that you will never be at another Christmas Eve wearing one of Nana's dorky Christmas sweaters drinking gallons of eggnog, that you do not get to finish raising your kids and most of all that we do not get to see you going through life clean and sober, fulfilling all your dreams.  Because when you lose a child , you lose part of your own dreams.  Some dreams die along with your child.

It makes me so sad that I do not get to see all my girls together again, laughing and joking.  Just one person being gone makes such a huge difference!  A lot of our conversations now include Kendra would have loved that or Kendra would have done that.  We sure do miss you, you were always so loud and always laughing. Especially when we all tried watching a movie!!!!   What I wouldn't give to have your interruptions again!

I have yet to see someone that I think is you or to have a dream about you.  I would love to see you in a dream, just to be around you for awhile.  But then again, it just might make me sadder when I woke up and realized that it was just a dream, that you were still gone.

Some days I still just have to ask the Lord to get me through the day, sometimes through the next 5 minutes.  My faith is what gets me through and my family and friends.  So as hard as it seems, this is our life now, we have to go on without you being a part of it.  But our lives are a little less brighter with a void that will never be filled.  You will always be missed, always be talked about, always be remembered and most of all, you will always be loved!!  You are the lucky one, celebrating in your heavenly home.  So until we see you again someday, our beautiful angel, we will carry on keeping you in our hearts.

Danielle, me and Kendra