If there's anything I've learned about grief is there is no one way to grieve. There is no time limit on grief and there shouldn't be. We love forever, that never goes away and as long as I live I will grieve for my daughter. It might not look the same as it does now, it might be gentler, not so consuming and hopefully not as painful. But I can honestly say it will forever be a part of my life. There is no easy way to get through it, no magic formula and we each just have to find our own way.
I have talked to parents that have lost children and everyone does deal with it differently. But whether it's been a couple of years or many years, they all still talk about their loss and they are still grieving. Not all had the reassurance of salvation and seeing their loved ones again and I don't know how they do get through. But I'm going to be brutally honest, I have my faith and it is strong and true but sometimes it's still really hard, especially at night, and I don't find anything very comforting. I will hear a song, see a TV show or movie, see makeup or a new book coming out that she would have loved and I can barely swallow or hold back the tears. Then I stop and think that this is my life now, she will never be a part of it again. I will never buy her another gift, celebrate another birthday or Christmas or get to see her grow older. Sometimes I just have to cry and be miserable for awhile. And then I will talk to one of my girls and we will cry a bit together, then laugh, usually at something Kendra would have said or done.
I know she would want us all to go on and be happy. She would love all the stuff we have done so far regarding fulfilling her bucket list. That her sister adopted her son and that he's doing awesome. That her daughter is happy and doing well. She would be in awe of the money we raised for the CADV in her name. So this is part of our grief process, doing good in her name, carrying on in her memory. Talking to others about our faith and hoping that they see Christ in us.
That old saying "Life goes on" as much as I hate it, is true. Even though our world stops for awhile and when it gets going again, it's not the same, life does go on. It's what we make of our life and how we choose to live it is what makes the difference. It's ok to laugh and have fun, I have to remind myself of this. Just because I am enjoying life does not mean I have forgotten my daughter. The only thing I know how to do is keep living, one day at a time and trust in my Heavenly Father. Even though she is no longer physically here, she is so here with us. She is in our daily conversations, a ring on our finger, a tattoo, the urn on our bookshelf and forever in our hearts. We love and miss her more than any words can ever convey. But by going forward and sharing our memories of her with each other, she will always live. Her last written words were "Good things are coming" and I have to believe that.
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