The week you came home

Taken the day you left rehab

The day after your sister's wedding and we found out that you almost died the night before, I thought that was the worst day of my life.  Little did we know that was definitely not the worst day. The beginning of the week was really bad, you were detoxing and we were just wanting to find out what was going on and how it got that bad. You were in a lot of pain and really sick. I have never been around a person going through withdrawals and it was horrible. Your dad and I rushed you to the emergency room three times. I refused to let you take anything to make it better other than over the counter remedies because I wanted you to remember how awful it was and that you would never want to go through it again. After about three days, you started to get better and we were able to start talking.  A lot of it was private and it will remain so, because that would have been your story to tell, so it will always be just between us, your family.

Your dad and I and you talked, cried, laughed, loved and forgave. You and your sisters talked again and it was a joyous reunion. You were home and it was so wonderful. You told us that you wanted to go to rehab and you were so glad we knew and that we still loved you.  Of course, we always loved you, but drugs make people hide, lie and turn away from their loved ones.

We were sitting in my office on the fourth day and you had tears running down your face and I asked what was wrong and you shook your head and said you were the happiest that you had ever been.  I looked at you and to be honest, you looked like you had been run over by a truck, but you were beaming ear to ear.  I knew then that you would be OK, that you were going to make it.  You said that you were overjoyed to be back home again and so happy to realize that we were right there supporting you and cheering you on.  That night you went to your first NA meeting and I went with you.  You got your sponsor and you were thrilled.  When we listened to a man talk about always ruining family functions, you started bawling.  You talked next and said that you weren't there the whole year for your sister. You missed her day of finding her wedding dress, then you missed her bachelorette party, you didn't make it to her bridal shower then had the overdose the night of her wedding.  You were finally starting to have feelings again.  We went home after that and listened to a song that our family friend Angel suggested. It was Perfect by Pink.  You sobbed in my arms for an hour and we talked and cried and I am so glad that I got to have that time with you.  I did not know that I would never get to hold you like that again.  Its a memory I will treasure forever.  You were overwhelmed with all you were feeling, about your kids, sisters, family and the lies that you were so glad to be done with.  I will never be able to listen to that song without crying and thinking of you that night.

That week was one filled with pain, sickness, reality of drug use, but also a week filled with healing, joy and most of all, overwhelming love.  I went into Mama Bear mode, I wanted my cub safe and well again.  You went a short time to one rehab, then off to Christian based rehab in Memphis and it was life changing for you.  It sounds like you changed a few lives too. I have never been so proud of you as I was then, that you overcame obstacles and did the work.  You were prepared to continue as you  were under no false illusions that it was going to be easy.  But you had your plan and people in place to help you and most of all, you had us, your family to keep you accountable.

It was not meant to be that we would get to see what your life looked after rehab.  You got everything started and you were getting your life and priorities straightened out.  I was so looking forward to resuming our relationship going forward.  Your dad, sisters and I all had as many plans for our lives together as you did.  I will never understand why God took you then, I just have to trust in his divine plan.  I love that the last two lines in your journal were Keep Praying.  Good things are coming.  I pray that as we honor your memory and do good things in your name, that we are carrying out what God had planned for your life.  I read your journals and I am amazed at what an awesome young woman you were and the woman you were wanting to become.

So as we try to fulfill your bucket list and remember you, I hope you see our love shining through all the way to heaven.  Most of all, I pray that when you went to your heavenly home, that you had tears of joy streaming down your face as you realized that now you were the happiest that you had ever been and that you really were home.

Love and miss you more that words can ever say.   MOM