Pieces of me

There are things about losing a loved one no one ever talks about.  About how it devastates your very being.........about losing pieces of your family, your heart and your very soul.  How it feels to look at the rest of your life without your loved one ever being a part of it again. I have never had anyone tell me that they become slightly obsessed with the missing person. My daily thoughts are consumed with thinking of what Kendra would be doing if she were here or what I would I say to her if I got to see her again.  That I think of all the things I miss the most, our love of books that we talked about all the time or what shows to watch on TV.  I did not know that some days would feel like I am in a fog and do not know my way out.  I never knew that love could be so powerful and overwhelming, I love my family deeply, but when death occurs, that love becomes even greater. I am sometimes afraid I will forget the sound of her voice, the sound of her laughter, the feel of her arms hugging me. I will forever miss the craziness of all three girls getting together, reminiscing about old times, laughing about their favorite movie and show lines and just being together.  I also will never get to see her with her kids, laughing and playing.

I am sure grief is different for each person and we must all go through it in the way that feels best to us. I know I feel so much more compassion and empathy and so I pray that I am changing into a better, loving person.  I pray that the Lord uses me to tell Kendra's story of redemption so that others struggling can realize that they too can change their life.


I've also learned to love more compassionately, savor my family more lovingly, not take things so seriously and trust more fully in the Lord.  I never take a day or our good health for granted.  I try to live my life to the fullest and live as Christ calls me to live.  I look for joy in each day and laugh as much as possible.  I never want to have regrets if I do not get the chance to see someone again and always say I love you! I lost my mother 21 years ago and I still miss her today, but losing our daughter is a pain taken to much deeper level, wrenching my heart right of my chest.

Not a day goes by nor will there ever be day that goes by that I will not think of Kendra and feel that pain in my heart.  But that's the price of loving someone, that when they are gone they take pieces of our heart.

So yes there are pieces of me that are missing and will never be replaced, that are forever with Kendra in Heaven. Only when we are all together again in Heaven someday, will we be whole again.

Kendra, Danielle and Stephani - 1999