Four Months.......

Kendra, Danielle, Stephani & I in San Fransisco, CA

I can't believe you have been gone four months today.  How is that even possible?  I have never gone four months without talking to you or seeing you!!!  I still have your phone number in my contacts, I probably will never be able to delete it.  Your email address is still there too, probably always will be.

Four months of not hearing your voice, seeing your face, not getting any text messages and it's still not any easier.  Four months of you not hugging and kissing your precious kids or tucking them in at night. Four months of not hearing your laughter.  Four months of not seeing the joy of being with your sisters again on all of your faces.  Four months of missing you so badly.

We are planning and getting ready for your bucket list fun run at the end of this month and it still hasn't sunk in that you are really truly gone.  You would be so incredulous that we are trying to fulfill your crazy and wonderful bucket list, that we are honoring your memory and trying to do good in your name.

We are one of those people......the ones that something happened to that only happens to other people.  We are every parent's nightmare.  That's why it's so important to have your life right with God. We don't know when it's going to be our time to go.  But people ask us all the time how do we do it? They say they can't imagine and honestly I couldn't have imagined it either.   Our kids are not supposed to go before us, that's not the natural order.   But we get through it by leaning on our Heavenly Father who is always with us, our awesome family and friends and our wonderful, loving church family.  That does not mean we don't still cry and grieve, because I still can't get through a day without tears.  But when the tears dry, I know I can still go on.

So it's four months of thinking about you every day, four months of wishing I could hold you in my arms, four months of hurting, crying and praying.  But it's also been four months of rejoicing that you turned your life around and had your priorities straightened out.  Four months of celebrating your life and remembering all of the things we loved about you.  Four months of recalling all your funny moments and laughing about them.  Four months of thanking God for keeping you in his care.

Four minutes, four hours, four months, forever, the time is both fast and endless, but for eternity and until we are all together again, we will mourn your loss, love your kids, hold you in our hearts and wish you were still here!

Kendra, Birthday May, 2013