I miss all the little things

The little things are the very thing that can bring on the biggest tears! Like the other day a commercial came on for Mediacom. I know you are thinking what could possibly set you off about that? Well when Kendra came home from the hospital after a c-section with Ethan I went and stayed a week with them.  They had just moved into a new house and one of the errands we ran was returning a cable box back to Mediacom.  That was such a good week with so many great memories and that commercial brought it all back with a wave of joy and utter sadness.  I bawled.

I was walking through a store and there was a big display of new mascara.  I looked and thought Kendra would love that.  Which then I would remember she's not here anymore.  When Pink comes on the radio singing "Perfect" I will cry the rest of the way home. The week Kendra was home with us before going to rehab, our friend Angel sent us that video and Kendra cried for the first time in a long time and she sobbed in my arms.  That song brings that back to me and I literally ache to hold her again.

If I or her sisters hear songs that we had used in the video we made for her funeral, we bawl. Not crying, full out ugly bawling, can't breathe and face and eyes turn red bawling.  One of the songs was by Lifehouse called "From where you are".  The words just cut right to my soul and to the girls also. Some of them are "so far away from where you are, standing underneath the stars and I wish you were here.  And another line is "I miss all the little things I never thought that they would mean everything to me".  That's it totally, I miss all the little things of life with Kendra.

I miss her face, her laugh, her voice, her hands.   I hate that I haven't seen her in so long, that I can't call her, text her, email her.  I miss hugging her, holding her in my arms, telling her I love her, hearing her telling me she loves me.  I miss her funny text messages, the way she answered the phone.  I miss her getting so excited about new books coming out that she couldn't wait to read.  I miss hearing her bragging about her kids and hearing the pride in her voice.  I miss not seeing her enter a room anymore.  I miss seeing her with her sisters. I miss seeing her doubled over with laughter.  I miss her sharp, witty sense of humor.  I miss seeing her run to the store when the holidays came around and the egg nog was in.  I miss seeing her wear one of her wacky tee shirts and every time I come across one of her old tee shirts, I cry. I miss her not being with the family anymore for holidays and celebrations.

I miss all of these little things that add up to one big thing...........Kendra.  Our beautiful, smart, funny daughter and sister is not here with us anymore.   What I wouldn't give to have one more little thing with her.

One of Kendra's tee shirts