Time

 

 

 

You would think that coming up on almost 5 years without Kendra, we would start to get used to her not being here.  That as the years pass, memories would fade, our thoughts of her would be less, that time would be kind.  I can tell you time does not diminish the ache in our hearts, we still think of her every........single.........day!!  

We still talk of her all the time, we laugh when we remember funny things she said or did.  We share our thoughts of missing her and how we long to see her again.  Time is a funny thing when you are on a grief journey, it loses all meaning of how you used to see it.  It still feels like yesterday that we last saw her and other times it feels like forever.  It still takes my breath away, it still feels unbelievable and it still hurts deeply.   

 I have come to accept that no matter how many years go by or how much time passes, grief has taken up a permanent residence in my heart.  Yes, we have come a long way, yes, we have healed, but we have scars that we will take with us to our graves.  Time is meaningless to a broken heart, because we never fully heal, the cracks are forever there.  Once you have suffered a great loss and start on the grief journey, it is a path that you are on until the end of your days.  It is a lifelong journey, as you learn to live with a piece of your heart missing, always navigating life without your loved one being a part of it.  But we know that at the end of our journey, we will once again be reunited!!  And that is a joy that brings peace and calm to my heart like nothing else.  Still and forever missing you K Girl!! 

The Real New Normal

Anyone who lost a child can tell you that your life will forever have a before and after. Your life goes on, but everything changes, absolutely everything!  I keep hearing about the "New Normal" in the midst of the pandemic and now trying to get our lives back to some kind of normal.  But I can tell you this is just temporary, a temporary new normal and as my mom used to tell us all the time, "This too shall pass" .

A real new normal is when you realize that you will never see your child again in this life as long you live.  A real new normal is missing your daughter every single minute of every single day.  A real new normal is when your heart breaks in places you never even knew existed and finding out that it will never fully heal, this side of Heaven. A real new normal is celebrating holidays and birthdays without your child and as each year passes, your child does not get any older.  A real new normal is only having photos and memories and realizing that you will never have another photo with your child in it. A real new normal is having your child's name in your contacts, following them on Instagram and Facebook, but there will never be another call, text, post and nothing new added ever again. 

So as hard as everything has been and yes, it's been tough, but it soon will pass and our lives will return, maybe not back to normal as it was before, but it will still go and maybe we will be wiser, smarter and more appreciative and grateful for our blessings.  I will tell you this, do not take anything for granted because you just never know when someone could be here today and gone tomorrow.  Take the time, tell others you love them, make the phone calls, send the cards, just be with someone in a time of need.  Live your life with no regrets and I pray that no one has to learn the harsh realities of a real new normal.  Missing you more each passing day, K Girl!! 

New Year, New Decade, without you

You would have loved the new decade, 2020!  You loved quirky things and you would have been excited about a new decade.  I still can't wrap my head around you being gone, gone from here, gone from us.  I know where you are, but that does not stop my heart from missing you so badly.

I try to imagine what your resolution would be for the new year.  You would be 4 years older now than when you went to Heaven and I am sure your life would look a lot different now too. I can not imagine how incredible it is to live with Jesus! To see all that beauty and live where there is no pain, no problems, no illness, just joy and peace.  Unimaginable!

 I miss the future days that got erased, the time we would have had with you wiped away. I miss the photos that I will never get to take, the holidays that we will never get to spend with you again.  I miss hearing your laugh on the phone and in our house.  I miss seeing your name on my phone, I miss your texts, your funny stories and the excitement in your voice telling me things your kids had done.  I      miss      every      single     thing,      every      moment,      I     miss      you.

Unless you have lost a child, I do not think I can adequately explain the longing, the missing, the hurt in the heart, most of all, how much you think about your missing child.  We think about her every day, she is never far away, no matter what we are doing.  And then it's another new year and you realize the passage of time and your child has been gone another year and it still takes your breath away.  It feels like she just left us last week and then other times, it feels like forever.  But in the early stages of grief, you can say she has just been gone one month, then 3 months, then half a year and then before you know it, she has been away from us for a year.  Then it's two years, impossible to believe three years and now four years and just does not seem possible, at all, not for a second.  Time takes a whole different level of importance when you are talking in terms of losing your child and how long it has been.  Hard to even explain.  Happy New Year and Happy 2020 in Heaven K girl.  You are missed and loved beyond measure. 

December.............

Since losing Kendra, I anticipate December with both an abundance of joy and an abundance of  sadness.  I love Christmas and everything that goes along with it, the tree, decorations, Christmas songs, the excitement and church services.  We also celebrate 3 special birthdays in December.......our first born daughter, Danielle, our miracle granddaughter, Gianna and Ethan, whose birthday is the same day his Momma went to Heaven.  I have come to accept that joy, grief, happiness and sadness all coexist and it is now just a part of my life.

Ask any parent and the hardest day of the year is the day your child died and that day takes on significance every year after.  It is the dreaded anniversary date or whatever you call it.  As the day draws near, I find myself thinking about it all the time and I find myself more emotional.  It is not that I think about Kendra anymore than normal, because she is always on my mind, but I just find myself reminiscing more and remembering more.  Songs bring on the tears easier and sad books will leave me bawling, it doesn't take much to start the tears flowing.

I was naive before losing Kendra, because I had always thought that grief, longing, missing, etc. would get easier as time passed, but that is simply not true.  It is only with God's grace that I am able to find peace, to still seek joy, to able to accept that Kendra is in a place so far beyond my imagination and I love picturing her being held in Jesus's arms.

So, here I am in December, again, and this year I am going to celebrate Kendra and look for the joy because as long as I live, she lives too, in all of our hearts.

Missing Kendra

My life has been pretty crazy these last few months!  My husband and I took a much planned and anticipated trip to Italy for our 40th anniversary and then upon returning home, we moved across country 10 days later. After all the work and headache of unpacking and finding places to put things, I swear I will never move again!!!

We moved from a place we called home for 40 years and it was bittersweet leaving.  But, we did move to be closer to our two daughters and two of our three grandchildren.  I was very relieved that we had Kendra cremated and we could bring her along with us, as if she had a grave site there, that would have made leaving even harder.

 

While preparing to leave though, I did have lots of moments of sadness when I thought about all the memories we had there. All three of our girls were born in the same hospital there and went to school, church, mission trips, choir, singing, baptism, graduating high school, leaving to go to college and three weddings.  It felt a little like leaving home and being homesick.  But, we are very excited for our new chapter and we love our new home and city and can not wait to make new memories here.

The thing that will never change is missing Kendra. I miss her every moment of every day.  I miss hearing her big laugh when she told an off color joke or teasing her sisters.  I miss hearing her voice on the phone, seeing her name pop up on a text or call.  I miss seeing her, hugging her or watching the excitement on her face, talking about her kids.  I hate that all I have now are the memories, no new ones, no new photos, no coming over for family get togethers or holidays and no new texts, calls or voicemails. I treasure all the memories and photos and stories about Kendra, but, what I wouldn't give for one more hug, one more story, one more memory.

We built a library in our new home in honor of Kendra and since I had all her books, I have put them all in there. And that is where Kendra is, nestled in among her favorite books, her Harry Potters, Little House on the Prairies and a huge assortment of eclectic other favorites, she's right in the middle, right where she should be.  Missing you big K Girl. 

What is Left Behind........

Our youngest daughter, Stephani, came home a few weeks ago to clean out her room and as we were going through all of her stuff, we came across some more of Kendra's things that we had forgot about. We found some of her purses, earrings, rings and makeup.  We laughed about her crazy purses, as she had several Ed Hardy purses, which I kept a couple and we talked and cried a little about her crazy style.  Think Ed Hardy marrying Betsy Johnson and having J Crew as their child!! Most of her earrings were large and dangly and her rings were big!  I did keep a few of those as well.  I really didn't want to part with any of it, but Steph said just think, now some more people can continue to enjoy her things.  She was right, of course, it will have to be someone else with her crazy style!

But, it did make me stop and think about what we leave behind when we die.  Of course, we all will leave stuff behind and some things will have value, some only sentimental value or meaning.  As we were going through all her things, we laughed about Kendra, shared some funny memories, cried a little, but mostly it made us realize what a big hole she left in our lives.  We miss her laugh, her stories, saying whatever came to her mind, her style, her voice, we just miss her.  Her absence in now a huge presence in our lives, as we are always aware that she is not here with us. 

What I most realized is that when we leave our earthly home to go to our Heavenly home, the only things that we leave that will be important, is the memories.  The important things to leave behind is how we lived, how we loved, how we treated each other and the love that we leave in our loved one's hearts.  Our treasures are not going to be worth anything to anyone else without the memories that go along with them.  So we need to think to ourselves, what are we going to leave behind?  Are we just leaving money, cars, antiques, etc, or are going to leave treasures that are priceless?  Because the priceless treasures are going to be how we touched other people's lives and the love and memories that we leave in their hearts and minds.  Kendra, you are missed more than any words I write can ever express.  Thank you for leaving us with a lifetime of love, happiness, fun and unforgettable memories that we will keep until we see you again. 

Forever 28

Today, you should be turning 32. Today, you should be celebrating, going out to dinner and opening gifts.  Today, you and I should have went on a birthday shopping spree and hit up all your favorite stores. Today, we should have went out to lunch and had sushi and lots of laughs.  Today, I am missing you and wishing you were still here.  I wish I could see you calling or texting my phone.  I wish I was meeting you at the mall.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  But you are now and forever, 28.

This is such a hard time of year now, going through Mother's Day and thinking of you all day and then just a couple days later, your birthday, or sometimes your birthday lands on Mother's Day. Even after three and a half years, I still ache for you, tears still come easily when I think of you and my heart still hurts like you just left. 

I go through photo albums and look back on the time when you were here, when you were with us.  We have so many memories of you and I love reminiscing about all of them.  Your sisters and I laugh at all the funny times we had with you and the funny things you did and said.  You always spoke your mind and you didn't care if you were inappropriate at times!  But you loved to laugh and you loved to make others laugh.  I miss that the very most.  Some color left our world the day you went to Heaven.

If birthday wishes could come true, I would wish to spend today with you.  I am so glad we had that tradition and I so wish I could just give you a hug, just to see you for a moment.  But I know that you are having the biggest celebration in Heaven, singing with the angels, eating cake (no worries about calories or carbs) and hanging out with Nana, Papa and new brothers and sisters in Christ.  So Happy Birthday in Heaven our K Girl and we will all be celebrating again some sweet day!!  Today, you should be turning 32, but you are now forever young for all eternity.  Love you Kendra.