New Year, New Decade, without you

You would have loved the new decade, 2020!  You loved quirky things and you would have been excited about a new decade.  I still can't wrap my head around you being gone, gone from here, gone from us.  I know where you are, but that does not stop my heart from missing you so badly.

I try to imagine what your resolution would be for the new year.  You would be 4 years older now than when you went to Heaven and I am sure your life would look a lot different now too. I can not imagine how incredible it is to live with Jesus! To see all that beauty and live where there is no pain, no problems, no illness, just joy and peace.  Unimaginable!

 I miss the future days that got erased, the time we would have had with you wiped away. I miss the photos that I will never get to take, the holidays that we will never get to spend with you again.  I miss hearing your laugh on the phone and in our house.  I miss seeing your name on my phone, I miss your texts, your funny stories and the excitement in your voice telling me things your kids had done.  I      miss      every      single     thing,      every      moment,      I     miss      you.

Unless you have lost a child, I do not think I can adequately explain the longing, the missing, the hurt in the heart, most of all, how much you think about your missing child.  We think about her every day, she is never far away, no matter what we are doing.  And then it's another new year and you realize the passage of time and your child has been gone another year and it still takes your breath away.  It feels like she just left us last week and then other times, it feels like forever.  But in the early stages of grief, you can say she has just been gone one month, then 3 months, then half a year and then before you know it, she has been away from us for a year.  Then it's two years, impossible to believe three years and now four years and just does not seem possible, at all, not for a second.  Time takes a whole different level of importance when you are talking in terms of losing your child and how long it has been.  Hard to even explain.  Happy New Year and Happy 2020 in Heaven K girl.  You are missed and loved beyond measure.