Holidays without you

I never knew you could feel both such joy and heartbreaking sorrow at the same time. But that is exactly how I feel around the holidays.  I especially love Christmas and always tried to make it so special for the girls. We have lots of traditions and family jokes and memories, and until the year Kendra died, she never missed a Christmas at home.

There was always lots of  laughter, singing, eating and having fun in our home at the holidays.  Christmas Eve, we always went to church and the girls would always perform at the youth service. Then home for seafood and anxiously waiting for Christmas morning.  The girls were always up early and so excited to open presents.  Then after gifts, we would have a big meal, usually prime rib and then play games and hang around the rest of the day. 

I will never be able to go into the holidays without thinking of the one who is missing.  I don't buy eggnog anymore and I always think of what Kendra would have liked for Christmas while shopping for the girls. Now, the only thing I can get for her is an ornament for the tree in her memory.  She was always the first one to get me her wish list and wish lists for the kids.  I found her last wish lists and I got Ethan and Gia each a gift that was on her list for them.  She loved seeing the same excitement in her kids eyes that she had when she was younger. 

Whether we like it or not, there is a before and an after.  It fills my heart with both love and sadness when I reflect on our past Christmas's and her absence is felt in every fiber of my being.  Grief changes us and it should, because we still love that person and they are no longer part of our every day life. But grief also changes as time passes, it just becomes part of us, it knits itself into our bones,weaves it way permanently into our hearts, until we realize that is what after feels like. After both hurts and heals, allows us to continue our lives, love harder and have more empathy towards others. After also always reminds us of the great love and loss and will forever impact our life.

Wishing you were here, wishing I was putting presents under the tree for you, wishing I was buying eggnog by the gallon, but most of all, wishing I could see our family whole again, even for one minute.  I love to imagine Heaven having the biggest decorations, most beautiful trees, heavenly lights and angel choirs singing Christmas carols.  Kendra, most of all, I love to imagine you right in the middle of the festivities, laughing and singing your heart out.  Have a big swig of eggnog and Merry Christmas!  Love and miss you always.