Forgiveness.........

One of Kendra's last text to her sister

Forgiveness.......a word I really struggle with.  Forgiveness for other people but most hard of all, forgiveness for myself.  After finding out about Kendra's drug abuse and then almost losing her, but so grateful for a second chance, I did struggle with the whys and what ifs. We never did get much of a chance to talk to her about it, but I did wonder how she could think we wouldn't love her anymore or try to help her.  I know she felt a lot of shame and embarrassment and worry about her kids, that she did not want us to know.  But, we did see red flags, but you want to believe your child and you can push things to the back of your minds.  And she was making it harder and harder to get in contact with her; she was busy packing and getting ready to move, she lost her phone, she was gone most weekends looking for another place to live, etc.

Thinking back, I wish I would have done so many things so differently, but hindsight is twenty twenty.  I have come to accept that I cannot change the past, that Kendra is gone and is at peace and nothing I worry over or think on too much, will change a thing.  So I have to learned to forgive myself and because God gives his grace so freely and lovingly forgives also, I try to give myself grace too.

Because, if we do not forgive others or ourselves, we are in essence telling God that he sacrificed his son for nothing.  I look at it this way; as God being our father, our parent, and He loves us and gives us everything and then ultimately sacrificed His son, so that we may live and be forgiven.  If we as a parent did all this for our kids and then they tell us that it is not enough, that it is not good enough, it would be a crushing blow.  That is how God feels, when we reject Him, when we reject his grace and forgiveness, He too feels a crushing blow.

Forgiveness.......such a simple word and yet we make it so difficult.  We feel like we have to carry it all on our shoulders, instead of giving it over to God.  We think we can handle everything and that we do not deserve to be forgiven, but God being the loving Father that He is, tells us that we are wrong, that we are deserving and that He will gladly bear our burdens.  Sometimes I have to remind myself of this daily and to forgive others daily also.  But I am grateful to be loved like that and that He knows me better than I know myself.  So on those hard days, and God knows when those are, I draw close to Him and accept His grace and His overwhelming, never ending love.