Grief Ingrained

I was in my ladies group that meets before church and the subject matter was grief, sorrow and hope.  I was trying to think of a way to adequately describe MY grief, because I have become very aware that grief is as individual as we are and we all process grief differently.  But I also have my faith and the promise of eternal life and Heaven, so I grieve with hope.  One of my comforting scriptures that I rely on is John 16:22; "You will grieve now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you".

I would describe grief as it has touched my life as ingrained in me, it has taken up a permanent residence in my heart and soul.  I have heard the age old expression, moving on but I would just say we are living. Of course, we are moving on, going forward, but some grief is too deep, too painful and we just learn to live with it. I feel my grief in my bones, a physical pain in my heart and sometimes it will still take my breath away.  You would think after one and then two or more years have passed that it would go away but it does not.  I miss Kendra more today than when she went to Heaven. She is missed daily and her absence is so noticed every holiday, birthdays, and felt so keenly hearing about her children's milestones and seeing them grow up without her.

We always talk about what Kendra would be doing with her life now, what she would say about certain topics, how she would laugh at different things and how she would love what her kids are doing.  I think of grief as a big hole in our family, one that will never be filled, that cannot be mended or the pieces put back together.  Sure, we still celebrate, we still laugh, we still live, it is just without our middle.

Grief changes as time passes, sometimes it hits us at odd moments and the tears flow, other times it is just there, a gentle reminder of loss and love.  I think if you ask any mother, they would say that feeling of loss never goes away, the love for a child is so profound that is is indeed, ingrained in us.

Ecclesiastes 3:4; "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance". We know Kendra is in a place better than anything we can imagine and is in fellowship with Jesus. Looking forward to that beautiful reunion and you can bet, I will laugh, and I will dance.