I have had many conversations with many different people regarding death, loss, grief and heaven. I have been asked if I truly have peace in my heart, if I am angry, if I blame God and if I really believe Kendra is in heaven and if I think God is real.
This is what I tell everyone.........Yes, I do have a peace in my heart, because Kendra accepted Jesus Christ as her savior and when she died, she was being called home. She just went home before the rest of us. This does not mean that I do not have bad days, that I don't still cry and miss her more than anything in this world, because I do! I still have trouble sleeping at night, because I will still play the day of the wreck over and over in my head. I can still hear them telling me that she was not OK, that she did not make it. I can still picture her so clearly in my head how she looked that morning and how happy we were to finally have her back home and that she was turning her life back around.
I tell people that Kendra died, but her story did not and as long as I live, I will tell her story and I have asked God to use me in a way to glorify him. My hope in telling her story is that other people will see themselves or a family member and have hope that they too can change or see how the power of the Lord has helped us through. In doing so, I get to keep Kendra's spirit alive and it brings me comfort to write about her. Plus in trying to fulfill her bucket list, it gives the girls and me a lot of joy.
Also, as I have written before, I know Christ is real, I have seen him. When others answer the call of the Lord and do what he has laid on their hearts, they are revealing Christ to others, just as all those people did for us in our time of need. No, I am not angry, who am I that I should never have bad things happen in my life and others should? I just have to trust that no matter what, God is in control and looking out for me just the same. Read the Bible, it does not say anywhere that if you believe in God, you will never have problems in your life. It does say however, that if you believe, he will be with you in your troubles, that he cares, that he is grieving right along with you. Did I pray for a miracle after hearing about the accident? You bet I did, I begged, pleaded and cried for one. But I did not get my miracle. I can not tell you why some people get one and others do not. I just have to trust, that's all.
So in going through this grief journey, I have grown, grown to love more, grown in my faith and my dependence on God and have learned to have so much more compassion for people. We do not know what others are going through, but a smile, a kind word can help ease their pain. I think that is all God has called us to do, lean on him, trust in him fully and let others see Christ in us. In doing so, my journey might be a little less bumpy and I have the great hope and joy of knowing that at the end of my journey, I will be reunited with my precious daughter once again.
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