I miss her laugh

More than anything else, I miss her laughing.  She laughed with her whole body, with carefree abandon.  She laughed loudly and she laughed a lot. Her son has her same joyous laugh. When I am feeling down and really missing her, the first thing that comes to mind is that I would love to hear her laugh once more.  We have her on videos and I watch and listen to them over and over, but its not the same.  I so miss the sound of her voice, how she would said hello to me when she answered the phone.

When she returned back to us after rehab, she was laughing again and that more than anything brought so much joy and happiness to me.  I knew that she was going to be ok because she could laugh again.  I try and never take for granted anything that goes on in my loved ones lives now.  I try and enjoy every moment that I get the chance to see them and spend time with them. We take pictures and I never assume that nothing bad will happen.  In fact, this is where I have to rely on my faith, because now I worry more about them.  I wait for the calls that they have made it home safely and only then can I relax.

We listened to a sermon yesterday at church about praying fervently and having our prayers answered.  This is something I have struggled with and I pray to trust that God knows best.  But yes, he answered our prayers saving her life that night, he got her safely to rehab and brought her back to us.  You can bet I prayed fervently every day for her to get and stay off drugs, about her life upon return from rehab, for her children to be taken care of, many, many things. And then, he took her home.  Definitely not what I was praying for, not the outcome I was looking for. But that was his answer to my prayer.  So this is the crossroads of faith, either trusting in God that taking Kendra home to be with her Heavenly Father was best or angry that my prayers were not answered in the manner I was praying for.  I choose to believe that she is where she is supposed to be, that I should be rejoicing that her earthly struggles and battles have been won, that she forever will be laughing her joyous laugh.

Does God laugh? I have pondered many things about heaven since Kendra died.  But I like to imagine her up there entertaining family and friends, both old and new, laughing from her belly up. I like to thing that God is enjoying her company and laughing along with her.  So keep laughing sweet girl, keep laughing.  You are in the best place of all.

Laughing on vacation in Monterey, CA

Laughing on vacation