A Mother's Heart

Mommy and Kendra

I remember when we found out that we were expecting Kendra.  We already had one daughter, Danielle and I could not imagine that I could love another child as much as I loved her.  Well, as soon as we had Kendra, I found out that was not true. And again, when Stephani came into our lives. God made a mothers heart so that it could expand and love another child and another.  I did come to realize that I loved each of our three daughters deeply and unconditionally, but my love was a little different for each girl.  It was as if God knew a mother's heart would recognize the special beauty and needs of each child.

I loved being the mom of three girls.  We had so much fun together, whether it was vacation, going places, shopping or just hanging out at home. I do feel a little sorry for my husband because we could get a little loud together, to say the least.  He would joke that he was our butler, driver, etc whenever we would travel.  I think he probably really was. I loved back to school shopping with them.  We would make a whole day of it going to Springfield and having lunch.  I really do miss those days.

All the girls were very busy with sports, singing, youth group and church activities, so until Danielle started driving, I was busy playing chauffeur. But I do not regret any of that, I truly loved being their mom and loved spending time with them.

After Kendra's death, I have come to learn that a mom's heart can expand and grow to love all her children, but upon losing one, it shatters.  It will never be back together again the way that it was.  I feel like a broken glass that got glued back together, but is missing a few pieces.  It may look ok from afar, but upon closer inspection, the flaws can be spotted. My heart is broken and some pieces are forever missing.  I notice the missing pieces every day.  Whether its looking at the sky and wondering how and what she is doing or hearing a song or seeing her face on one of her children's faces.  I feel sharp pains in going through her things, seeing her writing and smelling her perfume, seeing all the books that she lovingly collected over the years.  I am so glad that I have them all and can pass them on to her kids someday. How could my heart ever be whole again, my child that I carried, that I lovingly raised and watched get married and have her own children is missing from my life and my family. So once my heart has grown to love all my children, it can never go back to the way it was.

I will always be the mom of three beautiful daughters and from afar I might look like I have it all together, but a closer look will reveal the cracks and missing pieces of my heart.  I don't know how to be any other way, because I so miss the girl who took those pieces with her to heaven.