Since you've been gone

Since you've been gone, nothing is the same anymore. I can't get through a day without tearing up or full out crying. You left a huge hole in our family that will never be filled. Some days it feels like I'm on a long endless journey, that I truly don't think will end until my last day here on earth. At times this journey feels very lonely, until I realize that I am not alone, my Heavenly Father is right there with me holding my hand the whole way, and so is my husband, our daughters, friends and church family. But not one day goes by that I do not think of you and it crushes me just how badly I miss you.

Since you've been gone, your awesome son is being adopted by your older sister, Danielle and her husband Ryan and he's getting another sister, Layne. I think you would be so happy with this and so proud of your son who is so smart and funny.  Your beautiful daughter is still with her dad and grandparents and we get her whenever we can.  She's going to look just like you!

Since you've been gone, we have been working on your bucket list and trying to do good things in your name.  We loved the last line in your journal, "Keep praying. Good things are coming" and we are trying to just that.  Keep good things coming in honor of your memory.  So many people are helping us with this, some complete strangers.  You have hiked Mount Everest, thanks to Alpine Ascents International. Danielle wrote them and they responded with a resounding yes.  You would have loved it. We have donated all your clothes to CADV and the upcoming 5K is in your memory and all the proceeds going also to CADV.  I have been on the radio talking about your bucket list.  My one wish that I can not make come true is that you were the one fulfilling your own bucket list.
Me, your mother, has started this blog and I have been writing on it almost daily.  I know you would get a big kick out of that one, since I don't facebook, tweet or almost anything on the internet.

Since you've been gone, I do not know which books to read or what movies to watch or what shows are good on TV. I have been reading your journals and books that you wrote when you were younger and I am so sorry that you did not get to fulfill your dream of becoming a professor in literature. Or become an addiction counselor, which I think would have been an awesome career for you.

Since you've been gone, your sisters and I talk everyday and we have all become closer.  Our family  just got a little smaller, but it is hugely noticeable. But we have all  pulled together, determined to get through this ordeal in the most positive way possible.  We are most sad that we did not get to see you become the wonderful young woman that you were just starting to become.

Since you've been gone, we are carrying on, missing you so badly. I never knew you could miss someone so much or that heartache is an actual real physical pain in your heart. I just hope you knew how much you meant to us. But we hope that by trying to keep your memory alive, to keep hoping always that good things are coming, that maybe just maybe you are still here with us, always a part of each of us.