I wish...........

I wish you were still here! I wish that I had taken pictures of you with us those two days we had with you. I thought we had plenty of time and I could take all the pictures I wanted. I wish I could dream of you, I want to so badly but I have yet to have one dream about you.

I am constantly looking for signs that you are watching out for us and trying to let us know. Yesterday after school Ethan's teacher said he had a new friend.  A teacher had asked this little girl if she wanted to play with him at first recess.  The next recess she sought him out to play and they played every recess after. Not a big deal most people might think, but one Ethan has Aspergers and normally plays by himself on the playground equipment with his para watching. Second, her name was Kindrea!

I wish I wouldn't still break out crying daily over random things.  People from your past will tell a story about you, that you were kind to them at a low point in their life, or something you did for them that they never forgot and I'm a sobbing mess.  I wish I could walk through a store without seeing things that remind me of you. I will think Oh you would love that or see eggnog and start crying.
There is no expiration date on grief, no end is in sight. There will not be day until I take my last breath that I will not think of you and wish I could see you again.

I wish I didn't know first hand how hard it is to lose a child.  It's like a an abscessed tooth or a migraine that even the pain subsiding a little bit feels like relief but it never goes completely away. Like now it's 3:20 in the morning and I can't sleep because I wish it was just a bad dream, that you are not really gone.   I wish I knew why you had to go, why God thought it was your time.  I wish I knew why we only got such a short time.

Most of all I wish I could have seen you continue your journey of recovery and self love with your renewed faith.  I wish I could have seen you grow old with your children.  I wish I could have had more time with you and your sisters together again like old times.  I wish I could hear your laughter once more. I wish I could hear all you girls singing together again.  I know we will all see each other again someday, but I wish I was holding you right now! I really wish I didn't still miss you so much! Love you forever and ever!