Grief Waves

 

You would think that after 7 years have passed since Kendra died, that the grief would be a thing of the past.  WRONG!!  My heart still hurts just as badly since that Saturday in December when we were told that she did not make it.  That she was not flown to Kansas City, that she had died on the side of the road and being thrown out of the car.  My heart still has a scar that will never fully heal this side of Heaven. My heart still longs to see her and hug her, to hold her and just have her here with us.  I still have days when I cry often and grieve for her so badly.  

Grief is truly a life long journey.  The grief journey has many ups and downs, highs and lows and days of such sadness and days of being at peace.  Along the way, there are days that are such hard reminders of the loss and other days of complete joy in remembering her and laughing at all the memories we cherish.  There can not be a timeline to grieve, because she was our child and her absence is still so noticeable in our family.  

Sunday, May 14th was Mother's Day and it was also Kendra's birthday.  She should have been celebrating her 36th birthday, but she is forever 28.  On those days, it's hard to keep my grief at bay.  On those days, I just want to have a good cry and think about her.  On those days, the grief waves are strong and I don't even try to fight them.  But even in the midst of the sorrow and grief, I still believe that God is good and that He has her safe in His arms.   I also know that God is walking this journey with me and He knows my hurting heart and my deep sorrow.  So yes, there are grief waves still............7 years later, but there is also lots of joy and happiness in between those waves. My heart is with you all on this journey, we are not alone.  

Hope you are dancing in the Sky

"Oh-o, I, I hope you're dancing in the sky

And I hope you're singing in the angel's choir

And I hope the angels know what you they have

I'll bet it's so nice up in Heaven since you've arrived.  Song by Dani and Lizzy

You should be turning 35 but you are forever 28.  It saddens me that I won't get to see you enter into middle age, to see where your life would have taken you.  To see what would be doing in your life and to watch you mother a teenage son and your sassy little mini you daughter.  I hate that the only birthday celebration you get is a post on social media to honor your day.  I don't get to buy you gifts, I don't get to take any more photos of you or with you.  I have realized that I needed more photos, so many more photos and I regret the opportunities that I wasted.  I needed more text messages and voicemails from you, more videos of you with you and your kids and your sisters.  I needed more time.........period.  

And even though I am comforted at the thought of seeing you again someday in Heaven, I miss you more than words can say here on earth.  I miss hearing your laugh, hearing your voice, hearing you sing and hearing you joke with your sisters.  I miss seeing your face, I miss hugging you, I miss seeing you come in our front door.  I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone.  I.......MISS..........YOU!!!

So as we celebrate another birthday without you, I am just sad.  Happy Birthday in Heaven K Girl!!! You are so loved, so missed and we will always honor your memories and your life.  Love, Mom 

I HOPE THAT YOU ARE DANCING IN THE SKY AND SINGING IN THAT BIG HEAVENLY CHOIR, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!! 

 

6 YEARS

 

How can it be 6 years!??  My head knows it, but my heart does not feel it.  I still think about you every single day.  I yearn to see you again.  Grief time is not regular time.  Grief time can feel like I just saw you last week or years and years ago.  My love and longing for you does not diminish in the slightest bit.  I have heard all the sayings, time heals all wounds, it will get better, etc.  Simply not true.  Ask anyone who has lost a child and they will tell that nothing takes away the heartache of your child dying. 

Sometimes there are not words that are adequate to express my deep down sadness and grief and this is one of those days.  I recall every moment of this day, from waking up, seeing and talking to you, telling you goodbye and see you soon to the horrible phone call. I relive every moment, from waiting to hear if you made it to the knock on the door telling us you did not.  Making phone calls to loved ones and trying to tell the impossible news to a constant flow of people coming and going.  It was your son's birthday and trying to keep him out of it for the time being and your sister's birthday the next day.  To waiting for family members to arrive and the hundreds of phone calls asking if it was true.  That day and the memories will never fade from my mind. 

But I do rejoice that during the saddest, most unbelievable day of our lives, you were in Paradise with your Heavenly Father.  You were being greeted by angels, loved ones and hugs from Nana and Papa and Mimi and Papa.  You were having the best day of your life and that brings me so much comfort. 

Missing you every day K Girl but December 12 will always be bittersweet.  It is also a day that reminds me that life is precious, time with our loved ones should never be taken for granted and to live life to the fullest.  

I can't imagine.......

 

 I can't imagine.........something I have heard many times since Kendra died.  I know I too thought this when I heard of someone losing their child.  And it is so true, you can't imagine.  I could not have imagined getting through the following minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and then years.  I could not have imagined the brutal feelings of loss.  I could never have imagined that a broken heart is a physical ache and that it will never fully heal this side of Heaven. I could not have imagined that the grief never leaves, it becomes intertwined into our very souls and it is a little gentler over time, but it is a constant state of awareness that Kendra is no longer with us here on earth.  I could not imagine that not a day would go by that I would not think of her.  

We got to have Gianna with us this summer and seeing her and Ethan together would bring joy to my heart. I was listening to them talking in the pool one day and they were asking each other if they remembered going to the zoo, their dog, Kingston and other memories.  I watched them and thought I can't imagine what they went through, what goes through their minds,  losing their mom at such young ages.  I told them how blessed they are to get to have two mommas.  

I too feel blessed that this life is not the end, we are just passing through and some sweet day, we will all be reunited with our loved ones!  As I try and and picture in my mind, running to Kendra, seeing and hugging my mom and grandparents, being with Jesus...........I can't imagine.  If you have been through the unimaginable, I would love to pray for you. 

Birthdays without you

 

 We just celebrated another birthday without you here.  You should have been turning 34, but you are forever 28. I think birthdays are hard because it reminds me that you are not ever going to be older than 28. You are never going to experience the joys of seeing your kids age and grow and become who you had started them on their way to becoming. I will forever miss seeing you and your sisters together, joking, singing and laughing.  I am never going to experience the joys of watching you age and mature, to see you clean and sober and see how you turned your life around.  I will never again in this earthly life, hug you, call you, see you or have you at another family celebration.  

You would think that after 5 years, it would sink in, become a reality that you are really gone. But it has not. I am still in disbelief that you left us so suddenly, that you are really not coming back, that you are now a permanent resident in your heavenly home.  Grief is the strangest emotion, because it changes, constantly.  One day or moment, you feel accepting, at ease and then another day or moment, you are falling apart, crying and missing your loved one so badly.  I can say this for sure, not a single moment goes by that we are not aware of your absence, that we do not long for the day when we can see you again. You are always in our hearts, on our minds and occupying our thoughts.  You are missed beyond measure. 

So Happy Birthday in Heaven, K Girl.  I do have peace because I know you are in the best possible place, but boy, I sure do miss you.  I miss hearing your laugh, your voice on the phone, seeing your wild, crazy hair, listening to your sometimes inappropriate stories and your loud presence being gone from our lives is so noticeable.  I imagine that you are celebrating big, singing with the angels and having all your favorite snacks!  We Love you Kendra.

I carry you

 

 I carry you in my heart. I carry your memories, your laughter and your smile and your tears. I carry your stories and your hopes and dreams and your precious bucket list that you wrote at age 11.  I carry your secrets, your love for family and friends and your voice. I carry what remains of your 28 years of life on this earth and what would or could have been.  I carry you Kendra for as long as I am here, I carry you with me in my heart and my voice.

My grief has become part of my story now and I will always try to honor and remember you. I will share your troubles, mistakes and sorrows, but I will also share your victories, your ability to overcome hardships and addiction and your love for your family and friends. Most importantly, I will share your love for your Savior and His beautiful redemptive love and grace that He showed you.  

It is my honor and privilege to be able to carry you, to carry on for you, to speak for you and in doing that, you are still here with us.  No, it is not the same as you actually being here, but you will never be forgotten and your story lives on. Just because you are in your Heavenly home, you are still loved beyond measure, missed more than words can convey and your absence is a loud and noticeable presence in our lives.

Kendra, I carry you in my heart.  

5 years.........

 

 My mind knows that it has been 5 years since we last saw you, but my heart still does not believe it. 5 years ago on that Saturday morning, you had shared a page with me from Jesus Calling and the last line, Accept the value of problems in this life and consider them pure joy. Remember that you have an eternity of trouble free living awaiting you in Heaven.  Now when I look back at that, it was a meaningful message from God, as that reading always brings me so much comfort and puts joy in my heart.

5 years ago on December 12th, we received a phone call that is every parent's worst nightmare; Kendra had been critically injured in a car accident and they were going to life flight her to Kansas City.  As we waited, crying and praying and calling on our Pastor, family and friends to pray also, I had a calm in my heart telling me that she would be OK, that God would give us the miracle that we were praying for. And He did, but it was not our miracle, it was to be Kendra's miracle.  She was life flighted to Heaven and when she opened her eyes, she saw Jesus. 

Grief is a funny thing, it can cause time to pass quickly and to stand still at the same time.  It can sneak up on you at the most unexpected times and bring you instantly to tears.  It causes the memories to flood your mind with both happy and sad times.  And the week of the Heaven date, I find myself reliving the whole week, from the phone call to the service one week later.  I relive each day and even though it still seems like a blur, each moment is forever seared into my brain as I recall that entire week. I used to think that by the 5 year mark, it might feel different, that I might not miss her so desperately, but that is simply not true.  I miss her with every fiber of my being, not a day goes by that I don't think of her in some way and I now know that I will feel this way until I join her in Heaven.  

 5 years in Heaven and we still miss and love you K Girl!  Until we see you again, you are always in our hearts and on our minds.